Saturday, December 31, 2011

Friday, December 30, 2011

The Sign

I heard this song and it opened up my ears to how much Ace Of Base blows. The 90's answer to ABBA? You bet. Yes, I hate ABBA as well.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Kryptonite

Creedence could make do with three chords. These guys cannot.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Material Girl

She's definitely the "Material Girl." Unfortunately for her that material is crap.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Angel Of The Morning

How could I pick this song over "Queen Of Hearts?" It was pretty easy. I listened to it, posted it, wiped my hands on my pants, and walked away satisfied.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas Shoes

I was originally going to post "Baby, It's Cold Outside" because who doesn't love a song about date rape. Suddenly I remembered that there's an even more obnoxious Christmas song. I'm really sorry about this one.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

'Zat You Santa Claus?

And you thought he couldn't do anything worse than "Hot Hot Hot."

Friday, December 23, 2011

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

There was a time when I thought this song was funny. Then I turned 5.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

All I Want For Christmas Is You

All I want for Christmas is for this song to never be played again.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas Canon

Yeah, I know it's a second TSO song but I just heard it the other day and wanted to share my discomfort with all of you.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

I wonder if they also saw Joe beat the ever loving crap out of Santa.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Saturday, December 17, 2011

I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

I hope the kid gets his wish and learns first hand just how dangerous hippos are.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Mary, Did You Know

This song is almost as bad as his recent plastic surgery.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Little Drummer Boy

There is no way to do this song without it sucking.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Must Be Santa

Overweight, fake white beard, smells of rum, seasonal job. Must be Santa

Monday, December 12, 2011

Santa Baby

The hardest part was picking which version to post. I decided to go with the Pussycat Sluts since they embody the "Vapid Skankitute" that this song festers with.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Hey Santa

Hey Carnie and the other one. Your song is ruining Christmas. I was going to make a joke suggesting Carnie writing a song about Thanksgiving but that's too mean, even for me.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Christmas Eve/Sarajevo

For people who want to listen to Mannheim Steamroller with the windows down.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Funky, Funky, Christmas

There's nothing good about this song. You can't say the ending because it doesn't show up for five minutes.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Happy Christmas (War is over)

Nothing goes better with Christmas than war. That bomb you hear is Yoko Ono. Merry Christmas, Mr. Lennon.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Deck The Halls

People always come out of the woodwork to defend the Steamroller. Who are these people that grab Mannheim Steamroller while the family decorates the tree? Do they think they're filling people with joy? Is this the only Christmas album they have? So many questions.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Feliz Navidad

Hey look at me! I'm a repetitive Christmas song! Yes, I know he's blind.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Last Christmas

How can he give his heart to somebody special this year? He gave it to somebody else and they already re-gifted it.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Christmas Don't Be Late

My swollen cheeks inspired me. Why do they feel the need to dust these guys off every 20 years? Do washed up artists really need the extra royalties that bad? I hate The Chipmunks.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Do They Know It's Christmas Time

Last I checked there's snow Africa every year. There's nothing I love more than rich people asking people to give money.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Oh Come All Ye Faithful

The only thing worse than this Christmas nightmare are the thousands that have purchased a Jingle Cats CD or cassette. Most likely it was a cassette that was given to a very disappointed 17 year old.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

You Oughta Know

There was nothing wrong with this song. Then one day everybody found out that she used to date Dave Coulier.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Never Again

If this is the current generation's "You Oughta Know" then I weep for them.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Hips Don't Lie

Proof positive that gyrations don't translate to music.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

She Will Be Loved

She will be loved....
...by an idiot that needs to move on and accept the fact that she's in love with a douche.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Firework

The fact that this is the measuring stick for "quality" music always makes me wonder why I don't make pop music. Perhaps it's because I don't have very nice tits.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

True

This song does everything right yet I still hate it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Beautiful Day

It's more of a wireless commercial but people seemed to like it. Then again people like Lady Gaga. Welcome to the list boys.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Teeth

In honor of my morning at the dentist and next week's procedure here's a crappy, Lady Gaga "song."

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Don't Cha

Sometimes this project is hazardous. I'm pretty sure this song just gave me herpes.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Brothers of Metal

This is my favorite crap song. My only regret in sharing it is that there will be one more Manowar fan by the end of the day.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Red Solo Cup

What a shit head. Watching this video was worse than listening to the song. This is probably the first time I've ever prayed for God to smite a house full of people.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dreamlover

Either she's a great singer or a terrible yodeler. I'm going to go with terrible yodeler.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Apologize

Without groups like this tools would have no way to apologize to their idiot girlfriends after punching a hole the wall while roid raging.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

This Is How We Do It

They're never really specific about what THIS is. It could be having a designated driver so he can drink is 40 which is pretty gangsta.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Master and Servant

A broken clock is right twice a day. The rest of the time it's broken and worthless.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Way

Sometimes I just hate a particular song.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Holiday

Everybody spread the word. This is a crappy song.

Friday, November 11, 2011

That's Not My Name

It's the musical equivalent of being punched in the anus.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Wonderful Christmas Time

Paul wasn't satisfied being the worst thing about the Beatles. He had to be the worst thing about Christmas too. I know it's November. I've already heard this song twice while out shopping.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Institutionalized

All I wanted was a bridge, just one bridge, and he wouldn't give it to me! Just a bridge!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Reason

This song has an important message. The message is that even if your piano only has one key you can still use it in a song. Hoobastank.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Lost In Emotion

Lisa Lisa paved the way for "singers" like Paula Abdul and Kim Kardashian. Thanks a lot, bitch.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

She Loves You

Songs like this make it hard for somebody like me to love the Beatles. The lyrics are completely asinine but it's so darned catchy nobody can resist its charm. I want to love it but good taste just won't let me.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You

The Jackson 5 made the conga drums cool. Gloria worked twice as hard to make them stupid. I think every news story about something typical happening in Florida should be accompanied by The Miami Sound Machine.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Nothin' But A Good Time

As opposed to all those bad times they're looking for. Who doesn't want to have a good time? What a stupid song.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Wannabe

In 1995, a computer was employed to write the perfect pop song. Marketability and catchiness were the two most important things. Using a series of complex algorithms the computer worked endlessly for one year. In 1996, Virgin hired five hot chicks to sing it. The rest is history.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Kiss Me Deadly

Replace the rock music with techno and you have a modern hit. That stupid broad that thinks a dollar sign is a letter would be a good fit.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Somebody's Watching Me

He's so scared that he suddenly became British. Who'd have thought that Barry Gordy and Michael Jackson wouldn't be awesome enough to save Rockwell from himself.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Monster Mash

In honor of Halloween I figured I'd post a few "spooky" songs. These are scary to me at least. You'd think that celebrating mediocre music was a modern phenomenon but that's clearly not the case.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Friday, October 28, 2011

We Built This City

They built the city then sold it for cocaine money.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

She Don't Use Jelly

There's a saying about acorns growing into mighty oak treas. What happens when you plant a Grape-Nut?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Monday, October 24, 2011

Break Stuff

Do you think Fred knew what a tool he was when he wrote this? Do you think tools know what tools they are when they listen to this?

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Sunshine Day

Who would have thought that melanoma could be so wholesome?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Loco-Motion

I still can't believe we have Carole King to thank for this. List songs are bad but instructive songs are even worse. This song is basically "The Hokey Pokey." Kylie's version reinforces my belief that the 80's sucked as a decade.

Friday, October 21, 2011

All She Wants To Do Is Dance

Any time I can't think of a song I don't need to look any farther than Don Henley. The 80's weren't great and this song is proof.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Twilight Zone

The saddest thing about this song is that they probably thought they were so bitchin' after recording it without recognizing that they named themselves "Golden Earring."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

How To Be A Millionaire

He's seen the future. He can't afford it. Gee... I wonder why.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Who Let The Dogs Out?

In many ways I'm glad that there is music for simple people. Can there be a world without crappy music?

Monday, October 17, 2011

Friends Theme

The lyrics are asinine. Even if you were stuck in second gear you could still get around town fairly well. Sometimes you just need to accept that the line you want to put in your song just won't fit and write something with a better rhyme.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Calendar Girl

I love Neil Sedaka but I hate "list" songs.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Dude (Looks Like A Lady)

CSOTD - Chances are you're thinking of Mrs. Doubtfire which is exactly what's wrong with this song. They say it's a song about Vince Neil but I'm pretty sure it was either a glimpse of the future or a tale of too much alcohol and a case of mistaken identity.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Sounds like Robbie bought the same instant song as a lot of other artists. Just add singer.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Too Shy

It's tough to put finger on what's wrong with this song but I think it has something to do with Limahl.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Venus

This song is as lame as they are ugly.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Hungry Eyes

This makes two crappy songs from Dirty Dancing that aren't "She's Like The Wind." Wow.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

After The Rain

Here's the weakest song ever written. Enjoy your Sunday.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Touch Me

The original title of this song was "I'm Too Drunk To Finish Writing This Song So I'll Just Repeat The Two Parts We Got." That's quite the shiner on Robby Krieger. Arguably Jim's best work.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

As great as Careless Whisper is it's not enough to make up for this song. Jitterbug into my brain???

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Boys of Summer

One can only imagine how great music would be without Don Henley contributing.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Lean On Me

This song says, "I can't play the piano and so can you."

Monday, October 3, 2011

Semi Charmed Life

Third Eye Blind deserves back to back posts for this song and their other crimes against humanity.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Jumper

Here's a little Third Eye Blind for you or as I like to call them, "Shitty Oasis."

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Bread And Butter

There was time when music was about having a good time and little care was given to actually writing decent music. That time is now. Back in the day they preferred that we didn't have a good time. Yes, that's a dude.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Funky Town

Here's another example of what happens when a crappy band does a cover of an even crappier song. Not even the keytar saves this one.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Pass The Dutchie

90% of the people that hear this song on the radio would rather to listen to commercials on another station. The other ten percent have broken radios and can't change the station.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Summer of '69

Much like my theory that any song saying, "In the USA." is automatically bad, mentioning your "six string" is equally bad. I've yet to hear the perfect storm of crap where a singer talks about playing his six string in the USA but I'm sure I'll come across it sooner or later. Did I mention Bryan Adams sucks?

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

You Can Do Magic.

If only some of that magic was used to make this song better.

Monday, September 26, 2011

California

The funniest thing about this song is that it sucked before that stupid show.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

What About Me

What about you? This is the first emo song ever written. It's also the worst emo song ever written. Yes, I considered those guys.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Counting Blue Cars

It's funny how a good video can make a stupid song tolerable. This is not one of those situations. You know there was a round of high fives after recording this song. This band was Creed before we had Creed to make fun of.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Cool Rider

This one is a little more on the pathetic side but it's still crappy. It's moments like these I feel bad for actors because you know deep down they hate themselves for what they're doing.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Inside Out

This is another one of those songs that had a knack for ruining my day. It's one of those special songs that doesn't really try. It also led me to believe that the singer had an incredibly small range so I never bothered to give anything else a listen.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Ghostbusters

Ray Parker Jr.'s best song is Huey Lewis and The News' worst song.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Burn It To The Ground

I take comfort in knowing how many douche bags voluntarily removed themselves from the gene pool while listening to this.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Werewolves of London

This song was written on a Friday. Warren finished the first few bars and decided it was good enough to repeat for three and a half minutes.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Time To Change

I just don't like listening to Marcia sing about getting boobs.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011

Yellow

Chris Martin knows how to write a song. He must have forgotten how the day he wrote Yellow.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Real American

I feel dumber having just listened to this song. Just to be sure it was the song I listened again and now I'm dumberer.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

My Woman From Tokyo

So far away from the garden we love. She is what moves in the soul of a dove. Soon I shall see just how black was my night. When we're alone in her city of light.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

America

It's amazing how Neil's music stirs all kinds of feelings. I mostly feel disappointment when I hear this song. It's mostly the cheesy lyrics but its inaccuracy is the real culprit. They're coming to America today but they're being deported tomorrow.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Final Countdown

If the best thing about your song is GOB's magic (sorry) ILLUSION show then your song is crap. There had to have been one member of Europe that really, really wanted to record and release this song. "Come on guys. It will be awesome."

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Cheesburger In Paradise

Looks like I've found a group of people worse than Ke ha fans. If I wrote a song for morons it would probably be about a cheeseburger too.

Friday, September 9, 2011

The End Of The Innocence

Don Henley plus anybody is a recipe for crap. The same can be said of Bruce Hornsby. Put them both together and you get a level of suck akin to the vacuum of space.


Don Henley - The End Of The Innocence by jpdc11

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I Don't Want To Be

We've established what he doesn't want to be. He never actually says what he's trying to be. Maybe he's trying to get a job at "Hot Dog On A Stick."

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Tik Tok

I know this isn't technically music but I figured Ke Ha deserves a spot on my list. The only thing worse than this is the people who pay to hear it.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Livin' On A Prayer

Sounds to me like Tommy and Gina need to go to night school.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Disco Inferno

Why isn't there a song called "Rap Fire" or "Vapid Skank With Autotune Flambe?" It's all because of The Trammps.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Let's Go All The Way

Why is this song so bad? I'm not sure what's worse. The fact that they continued recording this song until they were done or that radio stations look through their music libraries and think. "Let's play this song!"

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Taboo 2 Theme

This is easily the worst porn music that was ever used in porn.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Miss You

This is easily the worst porn music that was never used in porn.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Husker Fight Song

The worst song in college football. Thankfully we won't be hearing it very much this season.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Drive My Car

There's a reason this is the first song on the album. It's so you can forget about it after Norwegian Wood starts. If I ever meet Paul I'm going to punch him for writing this song. Every great Beatles song is marred by this two chord travesty.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Monday, August 29, 2011

Elvira

What makes a person hear a song, like a song, they pay enough money to hear said song for it to be a hit? Is it some unseen force or beer?

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Oh Sheila

I used to think this was Prince. Now it all makes sense.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

From A Distance

I know a lot of people like Bette Midler. I don't.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Cherry Pie

This song is playing in a strip club right now. That's not a good thing.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Summertime

Rest assured my disliking the summer months has nothing to do with my disliking this song. It's a shame that Nowell is gone and this song survives.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Bye Bye Bye

With lines like "I loved you endlessly" it makes you wonder why they're not making music anymore. Apparently "endless" means something different to them.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Reflex

Duran Duran always pushed the new wave envelope with their wonky lyrics. The only difference between "The Reflex" and their other songs is that the other songs don't suck.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Blame Game

I always listen to the songs I post with the exception of this song. I don't need to listen to it to know it's crap. My idiot neighbor blasts his stuff all the time.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Blueside

Dozens of people discovered this band thanks to this little ditty. Please don't be one of those people.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Arthur's Theme

Some days it's better to just let the song mock itself. This is one of those days.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Shooting For The Moon

Oh, I get it. The moon turns him into a werewolf and he plays basketball. **sigh**

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Happy Birthday

I figured this was fitting. There was a time when Disney really phoned it in and I'm not talking about the last decade or two of tent pole films.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Unskinny Bop

This song is basically the precursor to an STD. Yeah, that rocks. It's a little known fact that Poison bought this song from Aerosmith for $38. It was written on a greasy Carl's Jr. napkin.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Never Ending Story

It's like Limahl stole the lyrics from that weird chick from high school that liked to play D&D with her stuffed dragon.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Love Shack

I'm not even going to start with Fred Schneider. We all know how abrasive he is. I take issue with the two broads flanking him. This song is only slightly less annoying than "The Chicken Dance" and one can only hope the wedding DJ's of the world retire this song.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

The Way It Is

I imagine a scenario where Bruce writes this song for an informative real estate video and it ends up at a record label instead where a tasteless executive falls in love with the repetitive melody.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Blossom

This song is almost as unattractive as Mayim Bialik.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

(I've Had) The Time Of My Life

Did the Black Eye'd Peas' version suck because they suck or is it because the song sucks? Give it a good listen. I'm going to go with the latter. This song is directly to blame for Green Day's "Time Of Your Life."

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Surfing With The Alien

This is a tough one to critique because there aren't any corny lyrics to mock. Thankfully Joe Satriani is a dork of the highest caliber. He's good at playing the guitar but he sucks at song writing.

Monday, August 8, 2011

R.O.C.K In The U.S.A.

I'm glad that he can spell but I stand by my claim that almost any song with "In The USA" anywhere in it is a crappy song.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Whoomp, There It Is

This is easily better than "Hip Hop Hooray" but that doesn't mean it's the pinnacle of song writing. I'm certain that "Whoomp, there it is" are the only words that anybody knows. It's probably the most popular song that nobody sings in the shower.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Hip Hop Hooray

This should be a children's song along with any other song with "Hooray" in the title. It's also a singalong or at least it's treated that way. These guys are naughty. Look out. Do you think their grandma came up with their name?

In A Gadda Da Vida

I don't know if it's the lack of lyrics or the hours of solos that annoys me the mots. I'm lying. It's the lack of lyrics.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Monday, August 1, 2011

Hold Me

This song is about being possessive. There is nothing more wholesome than a group too young to know what they're singing about. Menudo was the poor version of The New Kids both in image and music. The former worked out for them. The latter not so much.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

All I Have To Give

Nothing resonates with a neglected woman like, "I don't want you to cry no more inside." Whoever wrote this for them was pretty good but didn't hit their stride until they penned Rebecca Black's "Friday."

Saturday, July 30, 2011

If I Said...

Their follow up, "Is Your Dad A Lumberjack Because I've Got Wood In My Pants" wasn't as big a hit.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Hocus Pocus

I know what you're going to say. You're going to say, "What's wrong with you. This rocks." If you say that I know you didn't listen to the whole thing. It's an awesome song... until the yodeling. Then it gets cool again. Then the yodeling. Then it's awesome. Then Popeye shows up followed by Ron Burgundy and his jazz flute. You'd think after that we're good to go but then the accordion comes in...

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Just Got Paid

The crap begins in less than 8 seconds. He manages to screw up each and every "YEAH" and "OW!" If Michael Jackson couldn't sing or dance he'd be Johnny Kemp.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Born This Way

Yeah, she's a great performer. Siegfried and Roy are also great performers but I'm not going to buy their album either. Lady Gaga = music for deaf people.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

You Get What You Give

I'd feel bad for the members of the Radicals that didn't make it to this new iteration if this song didn't suck so much. Nothing ensures longevity like a list of pop culture references.

Monday, July 25, 2011

No Scrubs

They say they "don't want no scrubs" but if Salt 'n' Peppa taught me anything it's that the ladies don't care as long as the man looks good.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

You Gotta Be

You'd think the four of them could come up with verses a little more diverse. There is nothing empowering about this song. The bridge sucks too.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I Can't Drive 55

I can forgive what he did to Van Halen but I can't forgive this. I wonder if his inability to drive 55 still causes him grief.

Friday, July 22, 2011

How Can We Be Lovers

Apparently Michael Bolton has never heard of $!#@ buddies.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Down

CHILL! Are these guys serious? They dream of juice?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Pretty Fly

I can still remember the first time I heard this song. It was 1994 and it was called, "Come Out And Play."

Monday, July 18, 2011

Spoonful of Sugar

I know it's a metaphor but it's a terrible metaphor. The song is basically about making things enjoyable so they don't suck as much so basically medicine is bullshit and having a sugary sweet outlook makes it a little less crappy in the most delightful way.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Boom Boom Pow

This song is like a paper cut. It sucks immediately and continues to suck every time you notice it. Even after you're done with it you know it will be back and will suck just as much as it always have. You'll never get used to it and you'll always hate it.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Everybody Get On Up

"I'ma dance, I'ma dance 'til I drop." If only...

Friday, July 15, 2011

Dance Commander

I used to think The Electric Six could do no wrong. Now, I'm not so sure.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Bills, Bills, Bills, Bills...

There's nothing quite as empowering as finding a guy with a bunch of money to pay for your stuff. This song proves, once again, what women really care about.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Electric Blue

I try not to hold a singer's appearance against him but I'm pretty sure I know a lady with the same hair. This is one of those inexplicable hits that the songwriter clearly didn't put a lot of work into. "What rhymes with 'over you?' How about 'electric blue?' THAT'S RADICAL!"

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Things That Make You Go Hmmm....

I can think of something that makes me go "hmmm..." It's like a Fresh Prince song but with less creative lyrics. It's funny how a band known for dance music writes songs that are really hard to dance to.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I'll Tumble 4 Ya

Maybe it's the way they spelled the song title. Maybe it's the song. No, it's the way they spelled the title. Then again, now that I listen to it...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Childhood

I know this song is closer to the weird end of the spectrum rather than the crappy end but it still belongs on my list. Thriller, Beat It, Bad, and Billie Jean shouldn't be followed by this.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Stand Back

Goat trifecta complete. This is easily one of the worse songs every written, recorded, and performed. I challenge anybody to find something good about it. Difficulty: you can't use the ending.

Friday, July 8, 2011

It's Not Over

It's baffling how a goat voiced singer can sell albums unless their fan base works on farms. Hmmm... farms... It all makes sense now. Do you think after shotgunning a beer he eats the can?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Heaven Is A Place On Earth

I used to hate Stevie Nicks' goat like voice. Now I hate Belinda Carlisle's voice just as much. If heaven was a place on Earth we'd all live there.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Wild World

Cat Stev... excuse me. Yusuf Islam's song isn't that good to begin with yet Maxi Priest found a way to make it worse.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I can dream about you.

I kind of feel bad for Dan. If he had any self respect he'd get over that broad and go find himself a hood rat.

Monday, July 4, 2011

God Bless The USA

I don't care how patriotic this song is. I have a theory about songs that have "The USA" in the lyrics. The Grucci fireworks display always interrupts Neil Diamond's "America" so we can hear this drivel. Today's crap has corn in it. God bless the USA.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Believe

The whole autotuned as a vocal effect BS started here. Who thought, "Let's combine techno and Cher." and thought it was a good idea?

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Closing Time

What has two and a half verses and is never played when a bar closes? This song.

Friday, July 1, 2011

All Around The World

Is "Been around the world and NYA NYA NYA!" He's gone away because you're annoying the crap out of him with this song. And what's with the spit curls? She's got three of them. Imagine what Superman could have done with three spit curls.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Playing With The Boys

I'm having a tough time not taking the obvious jab. Kenny Loggins is obviously trying to be masculine when he sings but like every other song of his this one just isn't very butch. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Life Is A Highway

The first time I heard this song it wasn't that bad. The 20th time I heard this song it wasn't as good. The 100th time I heard this song it was crap. Life is a highway. Hopefully it doesn't end in a fiery wreck.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Dancing in the Street

From what I understand this was difficult to watch when it first came out and hasn't gotten any easier. If you want a really strange experience hit the mute button and just watch them both dance around like your uncle after one too many beers.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Barely Breathing

I'm pretty sure this is what every douche bag puts on while they're trying to nail a stupid girl.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

St. Anger

Instant badassery for a musician = playing at San Quentin. That used to be the case anyway. Metallica traded in their metal hair for vaginas.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Yummy Yummy Yummy

If Aimee Mann didn't know how to write a song it would sound a little like this.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Baby, I Love Your Way

I don't know if this is the worst Frampton song but it's my least favorite. Do you feel like I do about this? This is the type of song that signals the end of a good time.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Mr. Roboto

Styx isn't really a top 100 band and that's sad considering that Right Said Fred has made it on a few of those lists. They're good enough to recognize when they come on the radio (albeit once a year) but not good enough to turn up. This is a stupid song but I try not to hold it against them because I really like it.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Umbrella

This song was written to populate worst song lists. It's pretty crappy, appy... appy... ey ey ey...

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

With Arms Wide Open

They like Jesus but not nearly as much as they like money. The sentiment is nice but not very rock n roll. Then again it's been established that a singer doing his best Eddie Vedder impression isn't very rock n roll.

Monday, June 20, 2011

This isn't a song. It's a list. Last I checked it was our ancient ancestors that started a fire so kind of did. Even from a symbolic standpoint the collective public is responsible for at least half of that list. The culmination of all these social events in the eyes of Billy? Coke versus Pepsi.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Love Hangover

Love hangover sounds like a terrible thing. Roger and Susan had such a great date last night that Roger has been puking all morning. Susan slept with her neighbor (hair of the dog...) then had eggs and hash browns to take the edge off.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I'll Be

Love songs tend to be on the cheesy side but you can tell the difference between those written by seasoned songwriters and Edwin McCain. A poorly stated metaphor here or there is forgivable but Edwin decided to make an entire song using them. He's sounds about as sincere as a high school jock trying to get to second base. Yes, that's a saxophone you hear.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Abracadabra

I'm not sure what Steve's broad is wearing but it sounds uncomfortable.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Can't Fight This Feeling

If I could write songs like this... oh wait. I can write songs about this. It's time to bring this ship into the shore.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Dur dur d'être bébé

French Edition! - Americans have some pretty crappy music but when France really piles up le crap. It took 15 weeks for the magic to wear off. It's tough to be a baby especially when you're four years old.

Whatta Man

Her guy is so great that she wants to have his baby. He'll spend time with said baby when he has time but that's not important because he doesn't call her Susan when he's banging her. The only things not mentioned in this song are education, employment and fidelity.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Are You Jimmy Ray?

No, it's John Waters. Not convinced? Who else would get down at the trailer park like that?

Sunday, June 12, 2011

You Belong To The City

It's been argued that Glenn Fry was the worst part about The Eagles. I's absolutely true.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Havin' A Roni

I think his intention was to put something on this album he could be really ashamed of in case his ninja turtle rap song didn't work out. He's Vanilla Ice the sailor man.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Sister Christian

Here's another one of those songs that's so hard to love. Every ounce of my soul tells me to sing, "MOTORING!" while every ounce of my brain tells me they phoned this one in.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Step By Step

Here is a song about the steps to get a chick. There are five steps of which none are actual steps. They're actually reasons for the chick to get with one of the new kids. Now that I look at it there are four reasons and a question. "Don't you know that the time is right?" Right for what? Step one? A girl could argue that she can have fun with her uncle but that doesn't mean she wants to date him.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Ready To Go

Burning out after three years of playing this song at theme parks around the world they decided to get back together in 2010. How did they show the world that they still had what it took to rock everybody with their unique sound? By writing and recording a hit song. Unfortunately that hit song was "Ready To Go."

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Here Comes The Hotstepper

I wasn't going to do requests but this one is just too bad to ignore. How can he know what Bo don't know when Bo knows everything?

Monday, June 6, 2011

You Spin Me 'Round

So they spin you around like a record? That's only about 33rpm? They're really just turning you around. If somebody were to spin you it would be more like a CD. Of course they didn't really have CD's back then so maybe they spin you around like a tape rewinding...

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Urgent

This is what happens when the writers of "Cold As Ice' quickly threw together a song. The best parts of this song are the work of Thomas Dolby. SCIENCE!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Jump

At 14 you're anything but a daddy mac or mac daddy. This redundant hip hop song was good enough to get them an encore in a music video where Michael Jackson plays basketball against Michael Jordan. Whatchou talking 'bout Kris Kross?

Friday, June 3, 2011

I Just Called To Say I Love You

Stevie Wonder knows how to write a great song. He must have forgotten how on the day he wrote this.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

YMCA

This is more of a commercial but it's still a crap song. This tune has the power to remove all the good dancers from the dance floor while simultaneously replacing them with all the bad ones.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Physical

I'm not sure what to think of this. I know I hate it but I can't put my finger on why. I can't really criticize the video because it's crappy SONG of the day. Perhaps I hate it because it's catchy and it sucks. Perhaps I hate it because I like it. Today's song was going to be Cher's "Turn Back Time" but that I gave it a listen and that song rules.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Do The Bartman

This song pinpoints the exact moment where The Simpsons jumped the shark. I'm not sure what's worse. The predictable rhymes or the fact that we know every single one. Go ahead. Listen for 15 seconds and tell me you can't sing a few lines.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Opposites Attract

This probably started life as a PSA but the only thing I really learned that if you're a gigantic pussy that smokes, Paula Abdul will date you. I'm almost certain that the writer had no idea that they made a very clever physics joke during the rap part.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Anybody who thinks the accordion is the most abrasive instrument ever created hasn't heard John Popper play the mouth organ.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Search Is Over

I'm impressed that the band responsible for "Eye Of The Tiger" is capable of writing this song. I'm pretty sure it was intended to be the closing music for the film "Mannequin" but at the last second somebody decided that Starship would be far worse. I think they were right the first time.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Seventeen

Winger has been described as Crappy Van Halen. I don't expect much from a guy named Kip so it's no surprise that this is what we get.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Point Of No Return

I take back almost everything I said about Wilson Phillips. Exposé features two chicks and a brave man trying to inject a little sexiness into the pop scene. Instead they gave it a shot of morphine. Snooze.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Hold On

I'm pretty sure this was originally written for a commercial featuring some kind of "female" product. This has nothing to do with the fat chick either. Their complete and utter lack of soul had gone unchallenged until Rebecca Black recorded "Friday." The name "Wilson Phillips" makes me think blues singer. This song certainly gives me the blues.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Lady Marmalade

This is the musical equivalent of a house party where everybody is shouting over each other in an effort to be heard. I love how the song degrades from an obnoxious cover of an already crappy song to three broads trying to cram as many runs as possible into a verse in an effort to see who can annoy me the most.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Butterfly

This song completely ruined 2001 for me. There were plenty of "douche-rap" out there but this song made me notice it. This genre of music would go on to propel the tools of the world to astronomical heights. Tribal tattoos would adorn every roided out bicep. Their women would turn orange and get larger hoots. Train would release "Drops of Jupiter."

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Muscle Grip

I've been wanting to do a Shabba song for some time now but I have yet to find one with lyrics I can understand and make fun of. This is no exception. It's like Snow's "Informer" but slowed way down.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Don't Drink The Water

Don't drink the water. Their tour bus just emptied its toilet in the water. Maybe if I drank more or got high I might like this song. Maybe if it wasn't so crappy.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Iesha

What day did God create this and why couldn't he have rested THAT day. I'm not really sure how many of those creations there are but so far I've counted thirty four. I'd rather not watch this again to make another count. PACE.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Say Say Say

Further proof that adding Michael Jackson to a song doesn't make it good. On the flip side, further proof that adding Paul McCartney to a song doesn't make it good. Trifecta complete.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

All Star

I'm pretty sure Smash Mouth sprung from the same anus as Sugar Ray. I don't think I need to say anything else.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Something To Talk About

I like to think that the day she wrote this was the day she sold out. She's plays a mean slide guitar. She's better than this. I'm still convinced she's related to Reba McEntire. This is the first time I've read Reba's last name. Next time I'm visiting the golden arches I'm going to order it and see if they give me one of everything. I haven't forgotten about you Ms. Raitt. This song sucks.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Manic Monday

I expect a little bit more from Susanna. The rhymes are appropriate but they seem a little redundant. Kind of like how Fergie rhymes "this" with "this." Does Sunday, Monday, run day, and fun day really work? It's almost like while writing the song she got the chorus and decided she'd rather spend the rest of her Sunday at the mall.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Unbelievable

Long before Harvey Danger there was EMF. I wanted to say something witty about how bad this song is but all I can think about is crumbled cheese toppings.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Lick It Up

Asinine song of the day is more like it. This is what happens when you come up with a somewhat catchy hook and call it a day. It's only right now.



This was supposed to be posted on 5/12. I'm not sure where it went.

Flagpole Sitta

One hit wonder doesn't apply. The only wonderment here is that this song was considered chart worthy in the first place. Never before have I heard three chords used this poorly.

Friday, May 13, 2011

One Step Closer

I'm so full of angst I'm going to put this on repeat and draw pictures of large knives on my biology book cover. Life is tough because all my parents want to do is take me to Disney World. I don't want to wear clothes from Target because they don't go with my leather wrist strap. My iPhone needs a new charger. I'm about to break.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

All This Time

If anybody was wondering how we get captured terrorists to tell us stuff it isn't by waterboarding. Listen to the chorus and tell me you wouldn't give up your own mother to not listen to it.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Can't Nobody Hold Me Down

I always thought Mase was Ping Pong Diddy Kong's unemployable little brother. Two songs were borrowed for this number. One of them sucked. Solution: make it suck more. Nothing says "Street" like driving your Rolls Royce in the desert. I'm having a grammar headache.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Fell In Love With A Girl

I hate to do this but I don't think you should be able to get away with a "la la la" verse when your song is less than two minutes long.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother

Mother's Day edition! Glenn Danzig isn't cool. He's done cool things with cool people but he remains the biggest dork metal has produced. Yes, I'm considering Sebastian Bach and he's not as a big a dork as Glenn.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I Just Can't Wait To Be King

Special Disney edition! I liked this song more when it was in The Little Mermaid and was called "Under the Sea." I don't want to talk about it anymore. Hakuna matata.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Air on the G string

Special flashback edition. When this baroque why didn't anybody fix it? Bach was easily the Katie Perry of his day as is evident by the title of this song. Give it a good listen. There is absolutely no balance to this redundant and uninspired piece.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Tom's Diner

I love this song. I just wish she could have written a chorus and gone with something other than the soundtrack being played at the local mall's Wet Seal. My brain tells me to hate everything wrong with this song. My mouth can't stop singing it.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

You're Beautiful

I hate this song. I hate this song. I hate this song. It's true.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

My Own Worst Enemy

Anybody who thinks that music recently entered the dark ages need only look back to 1999 to know that it's been a lot worse. Just imagine this song being covered on Glee by that ugly chick.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue

I told myself I was going to leave country music alone because it's just too easy but I had to post this one. Don't get me wrong, I love feel good songs but this just isn't uplifting like a Tyler Perry movie is. Terrorists suck and so does Toby Keith.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Kokomo

It took four people to write this song. Brian Wilson wasn't one of them.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Man! I Feel Like A Woman

If you think it's annoying when Shania sings it you should hear two drunk broads in their fifties belt it out on karaoke night. The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to be obnoxious and unsexy apparently.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Jive Talkin'

You'd think there would be at least a little jive talkin' in this song but sadly there is none. Knock a self a pro slick! That gray matter backlot perform us down I take TCB'in man!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Whatzupwitu

Rockwell sold a few records with help from Michael. No brainer right? Apparently not so much.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Achy Breaky Heart

People who think Miley is the worst thing he's ever created haven't heard this song. All depression can be traced back to Billy Ray Cyrus. If ever a song was written for white people this is it.

Monday, April 25, 2011

American Woman

It was bad when the Guess Who did it but some how Lenny managed to make it even worse. Don't you dare try to convince me this anything other than crap. The only thing I like about this song is that I know to change it to something else less than three seconds after it starts. That sound you hear is the pain Lenny is feeling while recording it. UHNG!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Single Ladies

Female centric "anthem" equals guaranteed record sales. I'll admit it's a lot catchier than "I'm not going to sleep with you until you propose." I'm not sure if that's really all that empowering.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Summertime

Len has been put on notice. How do you compete with that douche bag? Add two more tools. Don't worry guys. If your career doesn't take off you always have a job at your dad's construction company.

Friday, April 22, 2011

21 Guns

Nothing is more punk than pandering to the mainstream. If John Lennon were still alive he'd beat the ever loving crap out of Billy Joe.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Damn

Damn. I wish I hadn't just listened to this song.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Smooth

I've been saving this one. I've never liked Carlos Santana. I've never liked Rob Thomas. Some a hole decided to put them both together. I love that the peak of the "Latin Explosion" features the singer from Matchbox 20.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tha Crossroads

Not even the ghost of Easy E could save this abysmal piece. I think they wanted to show that they weren't just about slapping ho's and being thugs. That's not to say there's anything wrong with exercising that pimp hand...

Monday, April 18, 2011

Bring Me To Life

Just because you're in a band doesn't mean you're hot. I remember when this song used to interrupt the Kevin and Bean show and ruin my morning commute on a daily basis. What a stupid song.

Bring me to life. Wake me up inside. I wonder how many misunderstood 13 year old girls had these things written somewhere on their Trapper Keepers.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Summer Lovers

Happy Birthday Michael Sambello. Nintendo would like to thank you for inspiring the music for Contra and ever other game ever released.

Good

Worse than Matchbox 20. Just like Everclear. Better than Ezra. WAH HUH!

Rosanna

What do you do if you can't think of a rhyme? Easy, just finish every line with Rosanna Rosanna. It's too bad you can't write more than one song about Africa without being accused of exploiting Africa.

Tubthumping

They write a crappy song. They write a stupid song. They write a mundane song...

Word Up

Does anybody else remember "Cop Rock?" I do. *sigh*

Do You Think I'm Sexy

This is a bad song. BAD SONG!

We Are Family

Want to see the dance floor clear out? The only people left will be the bride and her three drunk sisters and their friend that is an orphan. YMCA, Celebration, and the Chicken Dance are also pretty bad but this one is the worst.

Rapture

I absolute love Rapture but that doesn't mean even remotely resembles a well written song. When Deb raps I immediately think of Noah Vanderhoff owner of Noah's Arcade rapping about how hip and fresh his arcade is.

Hobo Humpin Slobo Babe

Cia Berg is like that weird chick with the foreign parents that used to live next door. You were pretty sure she was easy but she was too weird to have sex with. I challenge you to get all the way through without dry heaving. *wink*

How Do You Talk To An Angel?

Jamie Walters should stick to pushing Donna down the stairs.

Lullabye

Is it a music video? Is it a wine cooler commercial?

Steal My Sunshine

Hey look! Those douche bags that crashed their Honda into your trash cans at 3AM recorded a song.

Bitch

Sooo... what you're trying to say is you're a bitch? I'd say good on you for being original but Dennis Leary beat you by about four years. But congratulations on the whole "bitch" thing.

I Adore Me Amore

I like a slow jam as much as the next guy but I think Kenny G should stick to the saxaphone. I remember reading about when the SS Color Me Badd went down...
http://youtu.be/92NdfSeOLA0

Macarena

I'm really phoning it in today but not as much as these guys.

Fly

Sugar Ray is the Denny's of musical acts. How many people do you think pull out their iPods and say, "Oooo Sugar Ray!"