Zoot Suit Riot

Remember these guys? Yeah, me neither.

The Sign

I heard this song and it opened up my ears to how much Ace Of Base blows. The 90's answer to ABBA? You bet. Yes, I hate ABBA as well.

Yonkers

Hmph

Kryptonite

Creedence could make do with three chords. These guys cannot.

Material Girl

She's definitely the "Material Girl." Unfortunately for her that material is crap.

Angel Of The Morning

How could I pick this song over "Queen Of Hearts?" It was pretty easy. I listened to it, posted it, wiped my hands on my pants, and walked away satisfied.

Christmas Shoes

I was originally going to post "Baby, It's Cold Outside" because who doesn't love a song about date rape. Suddenly I remembered that there's an even more obnoxious Christmas song. I'm really sorry about this one.

'Zat You Santa Claus?

And you thought he couldn't do anything worse than "Hot Hot Hot."

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

There was a time when I thought this song was funny. Then I turned 5.

All I Want For Christmas Is You

All I want for Christmas is for this song to never be played again.

Happy Holidays

Hooptie doo and dickory dock.

Christmas Canon

Yeah, I know it's a second TSO song but I just heard it the other day and wanted to share my discomfort with all of you.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

I wonder if they also saw Joe beat the ever loving crap out of Santa.

Jingle Bell Rock

Nothing about this song rocks.

I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

I hope the kid gets his wish and learns first hand just how dangerous hippos are.

Mary, Did You Know

This song is almost as bad as his recent plastic surgery.

Holly Jolly Christmas

"Kiss her once for me." Yeah Burl, you wish.

Little Drummer Boy

There is no way to do this song without it sucking.

Must Be Santa

Overweight, fake white beard, smells of rum, seasonal job. Must be Santa

Santa Baby

The hardest part was picking which version to post. I decided to go with the Pussycat Sluts since they embody the "Vapid Skankitute" that this song festers with.

Hey Santa

Hey Carnie and the other one. Your song is ruining Christmas. I was going to make a joke suggesting Carnie writing a song about Thanksgiving but that's too mean, even for me.

Christmas Eve/Sarajevo

For people who want to listen to Mannheim Steamroller with the windows down.

Funky, Funky, Christmas

There's nothing good about this song. You can't say the ending because it doesn't show up for five minutes.

Happy Christmas (War is over)

Nothing goes better with Christmas than war. That bomb you hear is Yoko Ono. Merry Christmas, Mr. Lennon.

Deck The Halls

People always come out of the woodwork to defend the Steamroller. Who are these people that grab Mannheim Steamroller while the family decorates the tree? Do they think they're filling people with joy? Is this the only Christmas album they have? So many questions.

Feliz Navidad

Hey look at me! I'm a repetitive Christmas song! Yes, I know he's blind.

Last Christmas

How can he give his heart to somebody special this year? He gave it to somebody else and they already re-gifted it.

Christmas Don't Be Late

My swollen cheeks inspired me. Why do they feel the need to dust these guys off every 20 years? Do washed up artists really need the extra royalties that bad? I hate The Chipmunks.

Do They Know It's Christmas Time

Last I checked there's snow Africa every year. There's nothing I love more than rich people asking people to give money.

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Reeth

All I want for Christmas are my four back teeth.

Oh Come All Ye Faithful

The only thing worse than this Christmas nightmare are the thousands that have purchased a Jingle Cats CD or cassette. Most likely it was a cassette that was given to a very disappointed 17 year old.

We Are The World 25

Does anything need to be said?

You Oughta Know

There was nothing wrong with this song. Then one day everybody found out that she used to date Dave Coulier.

Never Again

If this is the current generation's "You Oughta Know" then I weep for them.

Hips Don't Lie

Proof positive that gyrations don't translate to music.

She Will Be Loved

She will be loved....
...by an idiot that needs to move on and accept the fact that she's in love with a douche.

Firework

The fact that this is the measuring stick for "quality" music always makes me wonder why I don't make pop music. Perhaps it's because I don't have very nice tits.

True

This song does everything right yet I still hate it.

Beautiful Day

It's more of a wireless commercial but people seemed to like it. Then again people like Lady Gaga. Welcome to the list boys.

Teeth

In honor of my morning at the dentist and next week's procedure here's a crappy, Lady Gaga "song."

Don't Cha

Sometimes this project is hazardous. I'm pretty sure this song just gave me herpes.

Brothers of Metal

This is my favorite crap song. My only regret in sharing it is that there will be one more Manowar fan by the end of the day.

Red Solo Cup

What a shit head. Watching this video was worse than listening to the song. This is probably the first time I've ever prayed for God to smite a house full of people.

Dreamlover

Either she's a great singer or a terrible yodeler. I'm going to go with terrible yodeler.

Apologize

Without groups like this tools would have no way to apologize to their idiot girlfriends after punching a hole the wall while roid raging.

This Is How We Do It

They're never really specific about what THIS is. It could be having a designated driver so he can drink is 40 which is pretty gangsta.

Master and Servant

A broken clock is right twice a day. The rest of the time it's broken and worthless.

The Way

Sometimes I just hate a particular song.

Holiday

Everybody spread the word. This is a crappy song.

That's Not My Name

It's the musical equivalent of being punched in the anus.

Wonderful Christmas Time

Paul wasn't satisfied being the worst thing about the Beatles. He had to be the worst thing about Christmas too. I know it's November. I've already heard this song twice while out shopping.

Institutionalized

All I wanted was a bridge, just one bridge, and he wouldn't give it to me! Just a bridge!

The Reason

This song has an important message. The message is that even if your piano only has one key you can still use it in a song. Hoobastank.

Lost In Emotion

Lisa Lisa paved the way for "singers" like Paula Abdul and Kim Kardashian. Thanks a lot, bitch.

She Loves You

Songs like this make it hard for somebody like me to love the Beatles. The lyrics are completely asinine but it's so darned catchy nobody can resist its charm. I want to love it but good taste just won't let me.

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You

The Jackson 5 made the conga drums cool. Gloria worked twice as hard to make them stupid. I think every news story about something typical happening in Florida should be accompanied by The Miami Sound Machine.

Nothin' But A Good Time

As opposed to all those bad times they're looking for. Who doesn't want to have a good time? What a stupid song.

Wannabe

In 1995, a computer was employed to write the perfect pop song. Marketability and catchiness were the two most important things. Using a series of complex algorithms the computer worked endlessly for one year. In 1996, Virgin hired five hot chicks to sing it. The rest is history.

Magic

A vortex of suck.

Kiss Me Deadly

Replace the rock music with techno and you have a modern hit. That stupid broad that thinks a dollar sign is a letter would be a good fit.

Somebody's Watching Me

He's so scared that he suddenly became British. Who'd have thought that Barry Gordy and Michael Jackson wouldn't be awesome enough to save Rockwell from himself.

The Monster Mash

In honor of Halloween I figured I'd post a few "spooky" songs. These are scary to me at least. You'd think that celebrating mediocre music was a modern phenomenon but that's clearly not the case.

Take A Picture

What the hell is an "airpleen?"

We Built This City

They built the city then sold it for cocaine money.

Come Sail Away

If Rush sucked they'd be Styx.

She Don't Use Jelly

There's a saying about acorns growing into mighty oak treas. What happens when you plant a Grape-Nut?

Chop Suey

This is a dumb song.

Break Stuff

Do you think Fred knew what a tool he was when he wrote this? Do you think tools know what tools they are when they listen to this?

Sunshine Day

Who would have thought that melanoma could be so wholesome?

The Loco-Motion

I still can't believe we have Carole King to thank for this. List songs are bad but instructive songs are even worse. This song is basically "The Hokey Pokey." Kylie's version reinforces my belief that the 80's sucked as a decade.

All She Wants To Do Is Dance

Any time I can't think of a song I don't need to look any farther than Don Henley. The 80's weren't great and this song is proof.

Twilight Zone

The saddest thing about this song is that they probably thought they were so bitchin' after recording it without recognizing that they named themselves "Golden Earring."

How To Be A Millionaire

He's seen the future. He can't afford it. Gee... I wonder why.

Who Let The Dogs Out?

In many ways I'm glad that there is music for simple people. Can there be a world without crappy music?

Friends Theme

The lyrics are asinine. Even if you were stuck in second gear you could still get around town fairly well. Sometimes you just need to accept that the line you want to put in your song just won't fit and write something with a better rhyme.

Calendar Girl

I love Neil Sedaka but I hate "list" songs.

Dude (Looks Like A Lady)

CSOTD - Chances are you're thinking of Mrs. Doubtfire which is exactly what's wrong with this song. They say it's a song about Vince Neil but I'm pretty sure it was either a glimpse of the future or a tale of too much alcohol and a case of mistaken identity.

Sounds like Robbie bought the same instant song as a lot of other artists. Just add singer.

Family Affair

Cocaine's a hell of a drug.

Too Shy

It's tough to put finger on what's wrong with this song but I think it has something to do with Limahl.

Venus

This song is as lame as they are ugly.

Hungry Eyes

This makes two crappy songs from Dirty Dancing that aren't "She's Like The Wind." Wow.

After The Rain

Here's the weakest song ever written. Enjoy your Sunday.

Touch Me

The original title of this song was "I'm Too Drunk To Finish Writing This Song So I'll Just Repeat The Two Parts We Got." That's quite the shiner on Robby Krieger. Arguably Jim's best work.

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

As great as Careless Whisper is it's not enough to make up for this song. Jitterbug into my brain???

Wild Wild West

Thanks Hollywood. Thanks a lot.

Boys of Summer

One can only imagine how great music would be without Don Henley contributing.

Lean On Me

This song says, "I can't play the piano and so can you."

Semi Charmed Life

Third Eye Blind deserves back to back posts for this song and their other crimes against humanity.

Jumper

Here's a little Third Eye Blind for you or as I like to call them, "Shitty Oasis."

Bread And Butter

There was time when music was about having a good time and little care was given to actually writing decent music. That time is now. Back in the day they preferred that we didn't have a good time. Yes, that's a dude.

Funky Town

Here's another example of what happens when a crappy band does a cover of an even crappier song. Not even the keytar saves this one.

Pass The Dutchie

90% of the people that hear this song on the radio would rather to listen to commercials on another station. The other ten percent have broken radios and can't change the station.

Summer of '69

Much like my theory that any song saying, "In the USA." is automatically bad, mentioning your "six string" is equally bad. I've yet to hear the perfect storm of crap where a singer talks about playing his six string in the USA but I'm sure I'll come across it sooner or later. Did I mention Bryan Adams sucks?

You Can Do Magic.

If only some of that magic was used to make this song better.

California

The funniest thing about this song is that it sucked before that stupid show.

What About Me

What about you? This is the first emo song ever written. It's also the worst emo song ever written. Yes, I considered those guys.

Counting Blue Cars

It's funny how a good video can make a stupid song tolerable. This is not one of those situations. You know there was a round of high fives after recording this song. This band was Creed before we had Creed to make fun of.

Cool Rider

This one is a little more on the pathetic side but it's still crappy. It's moments like these I feel bad for actors because you know deep down they hate themselves for what they're doing.

Inside Out

This is another one of those songs that had a knack for ruining my day. It's one of those special songs that doesn't really try. It also led me to believe that the singer had an incredibly small range so I never bothered to give anything else a listen.

Ghostbusters

Ray Parker Jr.'s best song is Huey Lewis and The News' worst song.

Burn It To The Ground

I take comfort in knowing how many douche bags voluntarily removed themselves from the gene pool while listening to this.

Werewolves of London

This song was written on a Friday. Warren finished the first few bars and decided it was good enough to repeat for three and a half minutes.

Time To Change

I just don't like listening to Marcia sing about getting boobs.

I'm Gonna Be

I hate this so much.

Yellow

Chris Martin knows how to write a song. He must have forgotten how the day he wrote Yellow.

Real American

I feel dumber having just listened to this song. Just to be sure it was the song I listened again and now I'm dumberer.

My Woman From Tokyo

So far away from the garden we love. She is what moves in the soul of a dove. Soon I shall see just how black was my night. When we're alone in her city of light.

America

It's amazing how Neil's music stirs all kinds of feelings. I mostly feel disappointment when I hear this song. It's mostly the cheesy lyrics but its inaccuracy is the real culprit. They're coming to America today but they're being deported tomorrow.

The Na-Na Song

Sheryl Crow is an idiot.

The Final Countdown

If the best thing about your song is GOB's magic (sorry) ILLUSION show then your song is crap. There had to have been one member of Europe that really, really wanted to record and release this song. "Come on guys. It will be awesome."

Cheesburger In Paradise

Looks like I've found a group of people worse than Ke ha fans. If I wrote a song for morons it would probably be about a cheeseburger too.

The End Of The Innocence

Don Henley plus anybody is a recipe for crap. The same can be said of Bruce Hornsby. Put them both together and you get a level of suck akin to the vacuum of space.


Don Henley - The End Of The Innocence by jpdc11

I Don't Want To Be

We've established what he doesn't want to be. He never actually says what he's trying to be. Maybe he's trying to get a job at "Hot Dog On A Stick."

Tik Tok

I know this isn't technically music but I figured Ke Ha deserves a spot on my list. The only thing worse than this is the people who pay to hear it.

Livin' On A Prayer

Sounds to me like Tommy and Gina need to go to night school.

Disco Inferno

Why isn't there a song called "Rap Fire" or "Vapid Skank With Autotune Flambe?" It's all because of The Trammps.

Let's Go All The Way

Why is this song so bad? I'm not sure what's worse. The fact that they continued recording this song until they were done or that radio stations look through their music libraries and think. "Let's play this song!"

Taboo 2 Theme

This is easily the worst porn music that was ever used in porn.

Miss You

This is easily the worst porn music that was never used in porn.

Husker Fight Song

The worst song in college football. Thankfully we won't be hearing it very much this season.

Drive My Car

There's a reason this is the first song on the album. It's so you can forget about it after Norwegian Wood starts. If I ever meet Paul I'm going to punch him for writing this song. Every great Beatles song is marred by this two chord travesty.

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

If she were my wife I'd go have a beer.

Elvira

What makes a person hear a song, like a song, they pay enough money to hear said song for it to be a hit? Is it some unseen force or beer?

Oh Sheila

I used to think this was Prince. Now it all makes sense.

From A Distance

I know a lot of people like Bette Midler. I don't.

Cherry Pie

This song is playing in a strip club right now. That's not a good thing.

Summertime

Rest assured my disliking the summer months has nothing to do with my disliking this song. It's a shame that Nowell is gone and this song survives.

Bye Bye Bye

With lines like "I loved you endlessly" it makes you wonder why they're not making music anymore. Apparently "endless" means something different to them.

The Reflex

Duran Duran always pushed the new wave envelope with their wonky lyrics. The only difference between "The Reflex" and their other songs is that the other songs don't suck.

Blame Game

I always listen to the songs I post with the exception of this song. I don't need to listen to it to know it's crap. My idiot neighbor blasts his stuff all the time.

Blueside

Dozens of people discovered this band thanks to this little ditty. Please don't be one of those people.

Arthur's Theme

Some days it's better to just let the song mock itself. This is one of those days.

Shooting For The Moon

Oh, I get it. The moon turns him into a werewolf and he plays basketball. **sigh**

Happy Birthday

I figured this was fitting. There was a time when Disney really phoned it in and I'm not talking about the last decade or two of tent pole films.

Shiny Happy People

Stupid, crappy song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCQ0vDAbF7s&ob=av2e

They won't let me embed it. That's probably for the best.

Unskinny Bop

This song is basically the precursor to an STD. Yeah, that rocks. It's a little known fact that Poison bought this song from Aerosmith for $38. It was written on a greasy Carl's Jr. napkin.

Never Ending Story

It's like Limahl stole the lyrics from that weird chick from high school that liked to play D&D with her stuffed dragon.

Love Shack

I'm not even going to start with Fred Schneider. We all know how abrasive he is. I take issue with the two broads flanking him. This song is only slightly less annoying than "The Chicken Dance" and one can only hope the wedding DJ's of the world retire this song.

The Way It Is

I imagine a scenario where Bruce writes this song for an informative real estate video and it ends up at a record label instead where a tasteless executive falls in love with the repetitive melody.

Blossom

This song is almost as unattractive as Mayim Bialik.

(I've Had) The Time Of My Life

Did the Black Eye'd Peas' version suck because they suck or is it because the song sucks? Give it a good listen. I'm going to go with the latter. This song is directly to blame for Green Day's "Time Of Your Life."

She Bangs

I'll bet she does. What a dork.

Surfing With The Alien

This is a tough one to critique because there aren't any corny lyrics to mock. Thankfully Joe Satriani is a dork of the highest caliber. He's good at playing the guitar but he sucks at song writing.

R.O.C.K In The U.S.A.

I'm glad that he can spell but I stand by my claim that almost any song with "In The USA" anywhere in it is a crappy song.

Whoomp, There It Is

This is easily better than "Hip Hop Hooray" but that doesn't mean it's the pinnacle of song writing. I'm certain that "Whoomp, there it is" are the only words that anybody knows. It's probably the most popular song that nobody sings in the shower.

Hip Hop Hooray

This should be a children's song along with any other song with "Hooray" in the title. It's also a singalong or at least it's treated that way. These guys are naughty. Look out. Do you think their grandma came up with their name?

In A Gadda Da Vida

I don't know if it's the lack of lyrics or the hours of solos that annoys me the mots. I'm lying. It's the lack of lyrics.

Cruising Together

I've left voicemail messages with more soul.

Summer Vacation

I think my brain just broke.

Legs

La Grange it is not.

Hold Me

This song is about being possessive. There is nothing more wholesome than a group too young to know what they're singing about. Menudo was the poor version of The New Kids both in image and music. The former worked out for them. The latter not so much.

All I Have To Give

Nothing resonates with a neglected woman like, "I don't want you to cry no more inside." Whoever wrote this for them was pretty good but didn't hit their stride until they penned Rebecca Black's "Friday."

If I Said...

Their follow up, "Is Your Dad A Lumberjack Because I've Got Wood In My Pants" wasn't as big a hit.

Hocus Pocus

I know what you're going to say. You're going to say, "What's wrong with you. This rocks." If you say that I know you didn't listen to the whole thing. It's an awesome song... until the yodeling. Then it gets cool again. Then the yodeling. Then it's awesome. Then Popeye shows up followed by Ron Burgundy and his jazz flute. You'd think after that we're good to go but then the accordion comes in...

Just Got Paid

The crap begins in less than 8 seconds. He manages to screw up each and every "YEAH" and "OW!" If Michael Jackson couldn't sing or dance he'd be Johnny Kemp.

Born This Way

Yeah, she's a great performer. Siegfried and Roy are also great performers but I'm not going to buy their album either. Lady Gaga = music for deaf people.

You Get What You Give

I'd feel bad for the members of the Radicals that didn't make it to this new iteration if this song didn't suck so much. Nothing ensures longevity like a list of pop culture references.

No Scrubs

They say they "don't want no scrubs" but if Salt 'n' Peppa taught me anything it's that the ladies don't care as long as the man looks good.

You Gotta Be

You'd think the four of them could come up with verses a little more diverse. There is nothing empowering about this song. The bridge sucks too.

I Can't Drive 55

I can forgive what he did to Van Halen but I can't forgive this. I wonder if his inability to drive 55 still causes him grief.

How Can We Be Lovers

Apparently Michael Bolton has never heard of $!#@ buddies.

One Of Us

Shut up, Joan Osborne.

Down

CHILL! Are these guys serious? They dream of juice?

Pretty Fly

I can still remember the first time I heard this song. It was 1994 and it was called, "Come Out And Play."

Spoonful of Sugar

I know it's a metaphor but it's a terrible metaphor. The song is basically about making things enjoyable so they don't suck as much so basically medicine is bullshit and having a sugary sweet outlook makes it a little less crappy in the most delightful way.

Boom Boom Pow

This song is like a paper cut. It sucks immediately and continues to suck every time you notice it. Even after you're done with it you know it will be back and will suck just as much as it always have. You'll never get used to it and you'll always hate it.

Everybody Get On Up

"I'ma dance, I'ma dance 'til I drop." If only...

Dance Commander

I used to think The Electric Six could do no wrong. Now, I'm not so sure.

Bills, Bills, Bills, Bills...

There's nothing quite as empowering as finding a guy with a bunch of money to pay for your stuff. This song proves, once again, what women really care about.

Electric Blue

I try not to hold a singer's appearance against him but I'm pretty sure I know a lady with the same hair. This is one of those inexplicable hits that the songwriter clearly didn't put a lot of work into. "What rhymes with 'over you?' How about 'electric blue?' THAT'S RADICAL!"

Things That Make You Go Hmmm....

I can think of something that makes me go "hmmm..." It's like a Fresh Prince song but with less creative lyrics. It's funny how a band known for dance music writes songs that are really hard to dance to.

I'll Tumble 4 Ya

Maybe it's the way they spelled the song title. Maybe it's the song. No, it's the way they spelled the title. Then again, now that I listen to it...

Childhood

I know this song is closer to the weird end of the spectrum rather than the crappy end but it still belongs on my list. Thriller, Beat It, Bad, and Billie Jean shouldn't be followed by this.

Stand Back

Goat trifecta complete. This is easily one of the worse songs every written, recorded, and performed. I challenge anybody to find something good about it. Difficulty: you can't use the ending.

It's Not Over

It's baffling how a goat voiced singer can sell albums unless their fan base works on farms. Hmmm... farms... It all makes sense now. Do you think after shotgunning a beer he eats the can?

Heaven Is A Place On Earth

I used to hate Stevie Nicks' goat like voice. Now I hate Belinda Carlisle's voice just as much. If heaven was a place on Earth we'd all live there.

Wild World

Cat Stev... excuse me. Yusuf Islam's song isn't that good to begin with yet Maxi Priest found a way to make it worse.

I can dream about you.

I kind of feel bad for Dan. If he had any self respect he'd get over that broad and go find himself a hood rat.

God Bless The USA

I don't care how patriotic this song is. I have a theory about songs that have "The USA" in the lyrics. The Grucci fireworks display always interrupts Neil Diamond's "America" so we can hear this drivel. Today's crap has corn in it. God bless the USA.

Believe

The whole autotuned as a vocal effect BS started here. Who thought, "Let's combine techno and Cher." and thought it was a good idea?

Closing Time

What has two and a half verses and is never played when a bar closes? This song.

All Around The World

Is "Been around the world and NYA NYA NYA!" He's gone away because you're annoying the crap out of him with this song. And what's with the spit curls? She's got three of them. Imagine what Superman could have done with three spit curls.

Playing With The Boys

I'm having a tough time not taking the obvious jab. Kenny Loggins is obviously trying to be masculine when he sings but like every other song of his this one just isn't very butch. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Life Is A Highway

The first time I heard this song it wasn't that bad. The 20th time I heard this song it wasn't as good. The 100th time I heard this song it was crap. Life is a highway. Hopefully it doesn't end in a fiery wreck.

Dancing in the Street

From what I understand this was difficult to watch when it first came out and hasn't gotten any easier. If you want a really strange experience hit the mute button and just watch them both dance around like your uncle after one too many beers.

Barely Breathing

I'm pretty sure this is what every douche bag puts on while they're trying to nail a stupid girl.

St. Anger

Instant badassery for a musician = playing at San Quentin. That used to be the case anyway. Metallica traded in their metal hair for vaginas.

Yummy Yummy Yummy

If Aimee Mann didn't know how to write a song it would sound a little like this.

Baby, I Love Your Way

I don't know if this is the worst Frampton song but it's my least favorite. Do you feel like I do about this? This is the type of song that signals the end of a good time.

Mr. Roboto

Styx isn't really a top 100 band and that's sad considering that Right Said Fred has made it on a few of those lists. They're good enough to recognize when they come on the radio (albeit once a year) but not good enough to turn up. This is a stupid song but I try not to hold it against them because I really like it.

Umbrella

This song was written to populate worst song lists. It's pretty crappy, appy... appy... ey ey ey...

With Arms Wide Open

They like Jesus but not nearly as much as they like money. The sentiment is nice but not very rock n roll. Then again it's been established that a singer doing his best Eddie Vedder impression isn't very rock n roll.

This isn't a song. It's a list. Last I checked it was our ancient ancestors that started a fire so kind of did. Even from a symbolic standpoint the collective public is responsible for at least half of that list. The culmination of all these social events in the eyes of Billy? Coke versus Pepsi.

Love Hangover

Love hangover sounds like a terrible thing. Roger and Susan had such a great date last night that Roger has been puking all morning. Susan slept with her neighbor (hair of the dog...) then had eggs and hash browns to take the edge off.

I'll Be

Love songs tend to be on the cheesy side but you can tell the difference between those written by seasoned songwriters and Edwin McCain. A poorly stated metaphor here or there is forgivable but Edwin decided to make an entire song using them. He's sounds about as sincere as a high school jock trying to get to second base. Yes, that's a saxophone you hear.

Abracadabra

I'm not sure what Steve's broad is wearing but it sounds uncomfortable.

Can't Fight This Feeling

If I could write songs like this... oh wait. I can write songs about this. It's time to bring this ship into the shore.

Dur dur d'être bébé

French Edition! - Americans have some pretty crappy music but when France really piles up le crap. It took 15 weeks for the magic to wear off. It's tough to be a baby especially when you're four years old.

Whatta Man

Her guy is so great that she wants to have his baby. He'll spend time with said baby when he has time but that's not important because he doesn't call her Susan when he's banging her. The only things not mentioned in this song are education, employment and fidelity.

Are You Jimmy Ray?

No, it's John Waters. Not convinced? Who else would get down at the trailer park like that?

You Belong To The City

It's been argued that Glenn Fry was the worst part about The Eagles. I's absolutely true.

Havin' A Roni

I think his intention was to put something on this album he could be really ashamed of in case his ninja turtle rap song didn't work out. He's Vanilla Ice the sailor man.

Sister Christian

Here's another one of those songs that's so hard to love. Every ounce of my soul tells me to sing, "MOTORING!" while every ounce of my brain tells me they phoned this one in.

Step By Step

Here is a song about the steps to get a chick. There are five steps of which none are actual steps. They're actually reasons for the chick to get with one of the new kids. Now that I look at it there are four reasons and a question. "Don't you know that the time is right?" Right for what? Step one? A girl could argue that she can have fun with her uncle but that doesn't mean she wants to date him.

Ready To Go

Burning out after three years of playing this song at theme parks around the world they decided to get back together in 2010. How did they show the world that they still had what it took to rock everybody with their unique sound? By writing and recording a hit song. Unfortunately that hit song was "Ready To Go."

Here Comes The Hotstepper

I wasn't going to do requests but this one is just too bad to ignore. How can he know what Bo don't know when Bo knows everything?

You Spin Me 'Round

So they spin you around like a record? That's only about 33rpm? They're really just turning you around. If somebody were to spin you it would be more like a CD. Of course they didn't really have CD's back then so maybe they spin you around like a tape rewinding...

Urgent

This is what happens when the writers of "Cold As Ice' quickly threw together a song. The best parts of this song are the work of Thomas Dolby. SCIENCE!

Jump

At 14 you're anything but a daddy mac or mac daddy. This redundant hip hop song was good enough to get them an encore in a music video where Michael Jackson plays basketball against Michael Jordan. Whatchou talking 'bout Kris Kross?

I Just Called To Say I Love You

Stevie Wonder knows how to write a great song. He must have forgotten how on the day he wrote this.

YMCA

This is more of a commercial but it's still a crap song. This tune has the power to remove all the good dancers from the dance floor while simultaneously replacing them with all the bad ones.

Physical

I'm not sure what to think of this. I know I hate it but I can't put my finger on why. I can't really criticize the video because it's crappy SONG of the day. Perhaps I hate it because it's catchy and it sucks. Perhaps I hate it because I like it. Today's song was going to be Cher's "Turn Back Time" but that I gave it a listen and that song rules.

Do The Bartman

This song pinpoints the exact moment where The Simpsons jumped the shark. I'm not sure what's worse. The predictable rhymes or the fact that we know every single one. Go ahead. Listen for 15 seconds and tell me you can't sing a few lines.

Opposites Attract

This probably started life as a PSA but the only thing I really learned that if you're a gigantic pussy that smokes, Paula Abdul will date you. I'm almost certain that the writer had no idea that they made a very clever physics joke during the rap part.

Anybody who thinks the accordion is the most abrasive instrument ever created hasn't heard John Popper play the mouth organ.

The Search Is Over

I'm impressed that the band responsible for "Eye Of The Tiger" is capable of writing this song. I'm pretty sure it was intended to be the closing music for the film "Mannequin" but at the last second somebody decided that Starship would be far worse. I think they were right the first time.

Seventeen

Winger has been described as Crappy Van Halen. I don't expect much from a guy named Kip so it's no surprise that this is what we get.

Point Of No Return

I take back almost everything I said about Wilson Phillips. Exposé features two chicks and a brave man trying to inject a little sexiness into the pop scene. Instead they gave it a shot of morphine. Snooze.

Hold On

I'm pretty sure this was originally written for a commercial featuring some kind of "female" product. This has nothing to do with the fat chick either. Their complete and utter lack of soul had gone unchallenged until Rebecca Black recorded "Friday." The name "Wilson Phillips" makes me think blues singer. This song certainly gives me the blues.

Lady Marmalade

This is the musical equivalent of a house party where everybody is shouting over each other in an effort to be heard. I love how the song degrades from an obnoxious cover of an already crappy song to three broads trying to cram as many runs as possible into a verse in an effort to see who can annoy me the most.

Butterfly

This song completely ruined 2001 for me. There were plenty of "douche-rap" out there but this song made me notice it. This genre of music would go on to propel the tools of the world to astronomical heights. Tribal tattoos would adorn every roided out bicep. Their women would turn orange and get larger hoots. Train would release "Drops of Jupiter."

Muscle Grip

I've been wanting to do a Shabba song for some time now but I have yet to find one with lyrics I can understand and make fun of. This is no exception. It's like Snow's "Informer" but slowed way down.

Don't Drink The Water

Don't drink the water. Their tour bus just emptied its toilet in the water. Maybe if I drank more or got high I might like this song. Maybe if it wasn't so crappy.

Iesha

What day did God create this and why couldn't he have rested THAT day. I'm not really sure how many of those creations there are but so far I've counted thirty four. I'd rather not watch this again to make another count. PACE.

Say Say Say

Further proof that adding Michael Jackson to a song doesn't make it good. On the flip side, further proof that adding Paul McCartney to a song doesn't make it good. Trifecta complete.

All Star

I'm pretty sure Smash Mouth sprung from the same anus as Sugar Ray. I don't think I need to say anything else.

Something To Talk About

I like to think that the day she wrote this was the day she sold out. She's plays a mean slide guitar. She's better than this. I'm still convinced she's related to Reba McEntire. This is the first time I've read Reba's last name. Next time I'm visiting the golden arches I'm going to order it and see if they give me one of everything. I haven't forgotten about you Ms. Raitt. This song sucks.

Manic Monday

I expect a little bit more from Susanna. The rhymes are appropriate but they seem a little redundant. Kind of like how Fergie rhymes "this" with "this." Does Sunday, Monday, run day, and fun day really work? It's almost like while writing the song she got the chorus and decided she'd rather spend the rest of her Sunday at the mall.

Unbelievable

Long before Harvey Danger there was EMF. I wanted to say something witty about how bad this song is but all I can think about is crumbled cheese toppings.

Lick It Up

Asinine song of the day is more like it. This is what happens when you come up with a somewhat catchy hook and call it a day. It's only right now.



This was supposed to be posted on 5/12. I'm not sure where it went.

Flagpole Sitta

One hit wonder doesn't apply. The only wonderment here is that this song was considered chart worthy in the first place. Never before have I heard three chords used this poorly.

One Step Closer

I'm so full of angst I'm going to put this on repeat and draw pictures of large knives on my biology book cover. Life is tough because all my parents want to do is take me to Disney World. I don't want to wear clothes from Target because they don't go with my leather wrist strap. My iPhone needs a new charger. I'm about to break.

All This Time

If anybody was wondering how we get captured terrorists to tell us stuff it isn't by waterboarding. Listen to the chorus and tell me you wouldn't give up your own mother to not listen to it.

Can't Nobody Hold Me Down

I always thought Mase was Ping Pong Diddy Kong's unemployable little brother. Two songs were borrowed for this number. One of them sucked. Solution: make it suck more. Nothing says "Street" like driving your Rolls Royce in the desert. I'm having a grammar headache.

Fell In Love With A Girl

I hate to do this but I don't think you should be able to get away with a "la la la" verse when your song is less than two minutes long.

Mother

Mother's Day edition! Glenn Danzig isn't cool. He's done cool things with cool people but he remains the biggest dork metal has produced. Yes, I'm considering Sebastian Bach and he's not as a big a dork as Glenn.

I Just Can't Wait To Be King

Special Disney edition! I liked this song more when it was in The Little Mermaid and was called "Under the Sea." I don't want to talk about it anymore. Hakuna matata.

Air on the G string

Special flashback edition. When this baroque why didn't anybody fix it? Bach was easily the Katie Perry of his day as is evident by the title of this song. Give it a good listen. There is absolutely no balance to this redundant and uninspired piece.

Tom's Diner

I love this song. I just wish she could have written a chorus and gone with something other than the soundtrack being played at the local mall's Wet Seal. My brain tells me to hate everything wrong with this song. My mouth can't stop singing it.

You're Beautiful

I hate this song. I hate this song. I hate this song. It's true.

My Own Worst Enemy

Anybody who thinks that music recently entered the dark ages need only look back to 1999 to know that it's been a lot worse. Just imagine this song being covered on Glee by that ugly chick.

Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue

I told myself I was going to leave country music alone because it's just too easy but I had to post this one. Don't get me wrong, I love feel good songs but this just isn't uplifting like a Tyler Perry movie is. Terrorists suck and so does Toby Keith.

Kokomo

It took four people to write this song. Brian Wilson wasn't one of them.

Man! I Feel Like A Woman

If you think it's annoying when Shania sings it you should hear two drunk broads in their fifties belt it out on karaoke night. The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to be obnoxious and unsexy apparently.

Jive Talkin'

You'd think there would be at least a little jive talkin' in this song but sadly there is none. Knock a self a pro slick! That gray matter backlot perform us down I take TCB'in man!

Whatzupwitu

Rockwell sold a few records with help from Michael. No brainer right? Apparently not so much.

Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous

My review is just two words: Shit sandwich. Obscure?

Achy Breaky Heart

People who think Miley is the worst thing he's ever created haven't heard this song. All depression can be traced back to Billy Ray Cyrus. If ever a song was written for white people this is it.

American Woman

It was bad when the Guess Who did it but some how Lenny managed to make it even worse. Don't you dare try to convince me this anything other than crap. The only thing I like about this song is that I know to change it to something else less than three seconds after it starts. That sound you hear is the pain Lenny is feeling while recording it. UHNG!

Single Ladies

Female centric "anthem" equals guaranteed record sales. I'll admit it's a lot catchier than "I'm not going to sleep with you until you propose." I'm not sure if that's really all that empowering.

Summertime

Len has been put on notice. How do you compete with that douche bag? Add two more tools. Don't worry guys. If your career doesn't take off you always have a job at your dad's construction company.

21 Guns

Nothing is more punk than pandering to the mainstream. If John Lennon were still alive he'd beat the ever loving crap out of Billy Joe.

Damn

Damn. I wish I hadn't just listened to this song.

Smooth

I've been saving this one. I've never liked Carlos Santana. I've never liked Rob Thomas. Some a hole decided to put them both together. I love that the peak of the "Latin Explosion" features the singer from Matchbox 20.

Tha Crossroads

Not even the ghost of Easy E could save this abysmal piece. I think they wanted to show that they weren't just about slapping ho's and being thugs. That's not to say there's anything wrong with exercising that pimp hand...

Bring Me To Life

Just because you're in a band doesn't mean you're hot. I remember when this song used to interrupt the Kevin and Bean show and ruin my morning commute on a daily basis. What a stupid song.

Bring me to life. Wake me up inside. I wonder how many misunderstood 13 year old girls had these things written somewhere on their Trapper Keepers.

Summer Lovers

Happy Birthday Michael Sambello. Nintendo would like to thank you for inspiring the music for Contra and ever other game ever released.

Good

Worse than Matchbox 20. Just like Everclear. Better than Ezra. WAH HUH!

Rosanna

What do you do if you can't think of a rhyme? Easy, just finish every line with Rosanna Rosanna. It's too bad you can't write more than one song about Africa without being accused of exploiting Africa.

Tubthumping

They write a crappy song. They write a stupid song. They write a mundane song...

Word Up

Does anybody else remember "Cop Rock?" I do. *sigh*

Do You Think I'm Sexy

This is a bad song. BAD SONG!

We Are Family

Want to see the dance floor clear out? The only people left will be the bride and her three drunk sisters and their friend that is an orphan. YMCA, Celebration, and the Chicken Dance are also pretty bad but this one is the worst.

Rapture

I absolute love Rapture but that doesn't mean even remotely resembles a well written song. When Deb raps I immediately think of Noah Vanderhoff owner of Noah's Arcade rapping about how hip and fresh his arcade is.

Hobo Humpin Slobo Babe

Cia Berg is like that weird chick with the foreign parents that used to live next door. You were pretty sure she was easy but she was too weird to have sex with. I challenge you to get all the way through without dry heaving. *wink*

How Do You Talk To An Angel?

Jamie Walters should stick to pushing Donna down the stairs.

Lullabye

Is it a music video? Is it a wine cooler commercial?

Steal My Sunshine

Hey look! Those douche bags that crashed their Honda into your trash cans at 3AM recorded a song.

Bitch

Sooo... what you're trying to say is you're a bitch? I'd say good on you for being original but Dennis Leary beat you by about four years. But congratulations on the whole "bitch" thing.

I Adore Me Amore

I like a slow jam as much as the next guy but I think Kenny G should stick to the saxaphone. I remember reading about when the SS Color Me Badd went down...
http://youtu.be/92NdfSeOLA0

Macarena

I'm really phoning it in today but not as much as these guys.

Fly

Sugar Ray is the Denny's of musical acts. How many people do you think pull out their iPods and say, "Oooo Sugar Ray!"

Two Princes

This guy should be the king of all hipsters. Unfortunately he decided to look like a homeless loser a decade before it was ironic. He also wrote a crappy song about relationships. Try to guess why it's crappy. Just go ahead now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0z9qNuUJW3g

How Bizarre

You knew it was coming to this list sooner or later. I can't begin to say anything good about this song.

Holiday

I love Madonna and her dog face as much as the next guy but this song is reminds me of a nicely landscaped yard with a giant pile of crap in the middle of it.

All For Love

Almost forgot to put a song up today. Here's a triple helping of crap. All for money is more like it.

I Believe I Can Fly

Space Jam sucks. R Kelly sucks even more. This redundant song set the stage for Christina Aguilera (albino Snookie) to record "I Am Beautiful" which will hit this list soon enough. One verse. Over and over.

Wings Of Love

On the wings of suck.

Reggae

Every Reggae song ever written. I group them together because they all sound the same to me.

Informer

Is his name Snow because he's white or because he's from Canada? I have no idea what this song is about since the lyrics read like a 13 year old's Youtube comment. A licky boom boom down.

Celebration

I love Kool and The Gang but the katchy hooks in the song are so redundant that every wedding I've ever been to bleeds into the next. That's why it wasn't played at mine. It's like YMKA but a little less pathetic and a little more hetero.

Hot Hot Hot

This is why foreigners hate America. I wonder how many people have died at their own hand while this song played them to their eternity. Ole Ole, Ole Ole...

Tuff Enuff

This is a surprisingly hetero song for a group with a name like this. The lyrics are ludicrous. "I'd work twenty four hours, seven days a week
just so I could come home and kiss your cheek." When were you planning on coming home? If you like the 'birds I'm sure you can catch them at Six Flags this summer.

Deep

Don't worry Edie. You're in no risk of being deep.

Peaceful, Easy Feeling

Come on man. I had a rough night and I hate the *expletive*'ing Eagles!

Who Is Johnny

El Debarge wrote a song so bad that Steve Guttenberg wouldn't appear in the video. In fact his cardboard cutout looks like it doesn't want to be there either. Strangely enough Ally Sheedy almost appears to enjoy herself until the prosecutor pulls out a bootleg copy of Short Circuit.

Take Me Home Tonight

Eddie Money is a dork who wrote a crappy song. How did he try to fix his crappy song? He stuck in a good song by the Ronettes. This is arguably the first mash-up. I'm inspired. I'm going to write a crappy song and shove "Hey Jude" into the middle of it.

Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone

I've always considered Glass Tiger to be the Bizarro version of Wham. If George Michael was straight this would be his band.

Don't Stop

I'm pretty sure this song was written for a laundry detergent commercial or some kind of product for feminine hygiene. I'm also pretty sure Steve Perry was listening to this and thought, "This could be way better."

Red Red Wine

UB one of the crappiest bands I've ever heard. You'd think with thirty people in the band they could do better than this.

Shine

I'm going to get crap for posting this but hear me out. Aside from what I'd describe as a catchy "pre-chorus" the rest of the lyrics are as empty as Ed Roland's Eddie Vedder impression.
http://youtu.be/_m0bI82Rz_k

Invisible Touch

I love Genesis as much as the next person but this tune is so bad that I can't think of a clever pun or snide remark to mock it. I just want the three and a half minutes to be up so I can listen to the Men At Work song they're playing next.

Wishing Well

Every time I hear this song I can't help but think he recorded the vocal track then a year later they found a song that sorta matched and put the two together. This song is depressing.

Respect Yourself

Long before Paris Hilton and that chick with the big ass were Autotuning their way into the $5 bin at Wal~Mart we had Bruce Willis. Sorry Bruce. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Light the Sky on Fire

Starship sucks on so many levels but this "song" was so bad it took Art Carney 25 years to die from it. This makes the house band at your local dive bar look like Led Zeppelin.

Get Outa My Dreams

Meet Billy Ocean. He wrote Caribbean Queen and this little ditty that serves as an anthem to creepers hanging out in their panel vans with blacked out windows.

Wild Wild West

They couldn't get into the Culture Club so they started their own. In an attempt to cash in on the end of the decade (which is always a good idea) they decided to take it to 11 and go with a western theme. Enjoy the garbage partner.

Rock Me Tonite

Shake Your Love

The best part is you can turn the sound down and still know what the song sounds like. Have fun getting this one out of your head.

Ya Mo B There

I've been told this translates to, "Yeah, I'm going to be there."

Chains of love

I don't know what chains of love are but this song is all about them.

St. Elmo's Fy-ugh