Saturday, April 30, 2011

Man! I Feel Like A Woman

If you think it's annoying when Shania sings it you should hear two drunk broads in their fifties belt it out on karaoke night. The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to be obnoxious and unsexy apparently.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Jive Talkin'

You'd think there would be at least a little jive talkin' in this song but sadly there is none. Knock a self a pro slick! That gray matter backlot perform us down I take TCB'in man!

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Rockwell sold a few records with help from Michael. No brainer right? Apparently not so much.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Achy Breaky Heart

People who think Miley is the worst thing he's ever created haven't heard this song. All depression can be traced back to Billy Ray Cyrus. If ever a song was written for white people this is it.

Monday, April 25, 2011

American Woman

It was bad when the Guess Who did it but some how Lenny managed to make it even worse. Don't you dare try to convince me this anything other than crap. The only thing I like about this song is that I know to change it to something else less than three seconds after it starts. That sound you hear is the pain Lenny is feeling while recording it. UHNG!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Single Ladies

Female centric "anthem" equals guaranteed record sales. I'll admit it's a lot catchier than "I'm not going to sleep with you until you propose." I'm not sure if that's really all that empowering.

Saturday, April 23, 2011


Len has been put on notice. How do you compete with that douche bag? Add two more tools. Don't worry guys. If your career doesn't take off you always have a job at your dad's construction company.

Friday, April 22, 2011

21 Guns

Nothing is more punk than pandering to the mainstream. If John Lennon were still alive he'd beat the ever loving crap out of Billy Joe.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


Damn. I wish I hadn't just listened to this song.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


I've been saving this one. I've never liked Carlos Santana. I've never liked Rob Thomas. Some a hole decided to put them both together. I love that the peak of the "Latin Explosion" features the singer from Matchbox 20.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tha Crossroads

Not even the ghost of Easy E could save this abysmal piece. I think they wanted to show that they weren't just about slapping ho's and being thugs. That's not to say there's anything wrong with exercising that pimp hand...

Monday, April 18, 2011

Bring Me To Life

Just because you're in a band doesn't mean you're hot. I remember when this song used to interrupt the Kevin and Bean show and ruin my morning commute on a daily basis. What a stupid song.

Bring me to life. Wake me up inside. I wonder how many misunderstood 13 year old girls had these things written somewhere on their Trapper Keepers.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Summer Lovers

Happy Birthday Michael Sambello. Nintendo would like to thank you for inspiring the music for Contra and ever other game ever released.


Worse than Matchbox 20. Just like Everclear. Better than Ezra. WAH HUH!


What do you do if you can't think of a rhyme? Easy, just finish every line with Rosanna Rosanna. It's too bad you can't write more than one song about Africa without being accused of exploiting Africa.


They write a crappy song. They write a stupid song. They write a mundane song...

Word Up

Does anybody else remember "Cop Rock?" I do. *sigh*

Do You Think I'm Sexy

This is a bad song. BAD SONG!

We Are Family

Want to see the dance floor clear out? The only people left will be the bride and her three drunk sisters and their friend that is an orphan. YMCA, Celebration, and the Chicken Dance are also pretty bad but this one is the worst.


I absolute love Rapture but that doesn't mean even remotely resembles a well written song. When Deb raps I immediately think of Noah Vanderhoff owner of Noah's Arcade rapping about how hip and fresh his arcade is.

Hobo Humpin Slobo Babe

Cia Berg is like that weird chick with the foreign parents that used to live next door. You were pretty sure she was easy but she was too weird to have sex with. I challenge you to get all the way through without dry heaving. *wink*

How Do You Talk To An Angel?

Jamie Walters should stick to pushing Donna down the stairs.


Is it a music video? Is it a wine cooler commercial?

Steal My Sunshine

Hey look! Those douche bags that crashed their Honda into your trash cans at 3AM recorded a song.


Sooo... what you're trying to say is you're a bitch? I'd say good on you for being original but Dennis Leary beat you by about four years. But congratulations on the whole "bitch" thing.

I Adore Me Amore

I like a slow jam as much as the next guy but I think Kenny G should stick to the saxaphone. I remember reading about when the SS Color Me Badd went down...


I'm really phoning it in today but not as much as these guys.


Sugar Ray is the Denny's of musical acts. How many people do you think pull out their iPods and say, "Oooo Sugar Ray!"

Two Princes

This guy should be the king of all hipsters. Unfortunately he decided to look like a homeless loser a decade before it was ironic. He also wrote a crappy song about relationships. Try to guess why it's crappy. Just go ahead now.

How Bizarre

You knew it was coming to this list sooner or later. I can't begin to say anything good about this song.


I love Madonna and her dog face as much as the next guy but this song is reminds me of a nicely landscaped yard with a giant pile of crap in the middle of it.

All For Love

Almost forgot to put a song up today. Here's a triple helping of crap. All for money is more like it.

I Believe I Can Fly

Space Jam sucks. R Kelly sucks even more. This redundant song set the stage for Christina Aguilera (albino Snookie) to record "I Am Beautiful" which will hit this list soon enough. One verse. Over and over.

Wings Of Love

On the wings of suck.


Every Reggae song ever written. I group them together because they all sound the same to me.


Is his name Snow because he's white or because he's from Canada? I have no idea what this song is about since the lyrics read like a 13 year old's Youtube comment. A licky boom boom down.


I love Kool and The Gang but the katchy hooks in the song are so redundant that every wedding I've ever been to bleeds into the next. That's why it wasn't played at mine. It's like YMKA but a little less pathetic and a little more hetero.

Hot Hot Hot

This is why foreigners hate America. I wonder how many people have died at their own hand while this song played them to their eternity. Ole Ole, Ole Ole...

Tuff Enuff

This is a surprisingly hetero song for a group with a name like this. The lyrics are ludicrous. "I'd work twenty four hours, seven days a week
just so I could come home and kiss your cheek." When were you planning on coming home? If you like the 'birds I'm sure you can catch them at Six Flags this summer.


Don't worry Edie. You're in no risk of being deep.

Peaceful, Easy Feeling

Come on man. I had a rough night and I hate the *expletive*'ing Eagles!

Who Is Johnny

El Debarge wrote a song so bad that Steve Guttenberg wouldn't appear in the video. In fact his cardboard cutout looks like it doesn't want to be there either. Strangely enough Ally Sheedy almost appears to enjoy herself until the prosecutor pulls out a bootleg copy of Short Circuit.

Take Me Home Tonight

Eddie Money is a dork who wrote a crappy song. How did he try to fix his crappy song? He stuck in a good song by the Ronettes. This is arguably the first mash-up. I'm inspired. I'm going to write a crappy song and shove "Hey Jude" into the middle of it.

Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone

I've always considered Glass Tiger to be the Bizarro version of Wham. If George Michael was straight this would be his band.

Don't Stop

I'm pretty sure this song was written for a laundry detergent commercial or some kind of product for feminine hygiene. I'm also pretty sure Steve Perry was listening to this and thought, "This could be way better."

Red Red Wine

UB one of the crappiest bands I've ever heard. You'd think with thirty people in the band they could do better than this.


I'm going to get crap for posting this but hear me out. Aside from what I'd describe as a catchy "pre-chorus" the rest of the lyrics are as empty as Ed Roland's Eddie Vedder impression.

Invisible Touch

I love Genesis as much as the next person but this tune is so bad that I can't think of a clever pun or snide remark to mock it. I just want the three and a half minutes to be up so I can listen to the Men At Work song they're playing next.

Wishing Well

Every time I hear this song I can't help but think he recorded the vocal track then a year later they found a song that sorta matched and put the two together. This song is depressing.

Respect Yourself

Long before Paris Hilton and that chick with the big ass were Autotuning their way into the $5 bin at Wal~Mart we had Bruce Willis. Sorry Bruce. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Light the Sky on Fire

Starship sucks on so many levels but this "song" was so bad it took Art Carney 25 years to die from it. This makes the house band at your local dive bar look like Led Zeppelin.

Get Outa My Dreams

Meet Billy Ocean. He wrote Caribbean Queen and this little ditty that serves as an anthem to creepers hanging out in their panel vans with blacked out windows.

Wild Wild West

They couldn't get into the Culture Club so they started their own. In an attempt to cash in on the end of the decade (which is always a good idea) they decided to take it to 11 and go with a western theme. Enjoy the garbage partner.

Rock Me Tonite

Shake Your Love

The best part is you can turn the sound down and still know what the song sounds like. Have fun getting this one out of your head.

Ya Mo B There

I've been told this translates to, "Yeah, I'm going to be there."

Chains of love

I don't know what chains of love are but this song is all about them.

St. Elmo's Fy-ugh