Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Do The Bartman

This song pinpoints the exact moment where The Simpsons jumped the shark. I'm not sure what's worse. The predictable rhymes or the fact that we know every single one. Go ahead. Listen for 15 seconds and tell me you can't sing a few lines.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Opposites Attract

This probably started life as a PSA but the only thing I really learned that if you're a gigantic pussy that smokes, Paula Abdul will date you. I'm almost certain that the writer had no idea that they made a very clever physics joke during the rap part.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Anybody who thinks the accordion is the most abrasive instrument ever created hasn't heard John Popper play the mouth organ.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Search Is Over

I'm impressed that the band responsible for "Eye Of The Tiger" is capable of writing this song. I'm pretty sure it was intended to be the closing music for the film "Mannequin" but at the last second somebody decided that Starship would be far worse. I think they were right the first time.

Friday, May 27, 2011


Winger has been described as Crappy Van Halen. I don't expect much from a guy named Kip so it's no surprise that this is what we get.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Point Of No Return

I take back almost everything I said about Wilson Phillips. Exposé features two chicks and a brave man trying to inject a little sexiness into the pop scene. Instead they gave it a shot of morphine. Snooze.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Hold On

I'm pretty sure this was originally written for a commercial featuring some kind of "female" product. This has nothing to do with the fat chick either. Their complete and utter lack of soul had gone unchallenged until Rebecca Black recorded "Friday." The name "Wilson Phillips" makes me think blues singer. This song certainly gives me the blues.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Lady Marmalade

This is the musical equivalent of a house party where everybody is shouting over each other in an effort to be heard. I love how the song degrades from an obnoxious cover of an already crappy song to three broads trying to cram as many runs as possible into a verse in an effort to see who can annoy me the most.

Monday, May 23, 2011


This song completely ruined 2001 for me. There were plenty of "douche-rap" out there but this song made me notice it. This genre of music would go on to propel the tools of the world to astronomical heights. Tribal tattoos would adorn every roided out bicep. Their women would turn orange and get larger hoots. Train would release "Drops of Jupiter."

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Muscle Grip

I've been wanting to do a Shabba song for some time now but I have yet to find one with lyrics I can understand and make fun of. This is no exception. It's like Snow's "Informer" but slowed way down.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Don't Drink The Water

Don't drink the water. Their tour bus just emptied its toilet in the water. Maybe if I drank more or got high I might like this song. Maybe if it wasn't so crappy.

Friday, May 20, 2011


What day did God create this and why couldn't he have rested THAT day. I'm not really sure how many of those creations there are but so far I've counted thirty four. I'd rather not watch this again to make another count. PACE.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Say Say Say

Further proof that adding Michael Jackson to a song doesn't make it good. On the flip side, further proof that adding Paul McCartney to a song doesn't make it good. Trifecta complete.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

All Star

I'm pretty sure Smash Mouth sprung from the same anus as Sugar Ray. I don't think I need to say anything else.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Something To Talk About

I like to think that the day she wrote this was the day she sold out. She's plays a mean slide guitar. She's better than this. I'm still convinced she's related to Reba McEntire. This is the first time I've read Reba's last name. Next time I'm visiting the golden arches I'm going to order it and see if they give me one of everything. I haven't forgotten about you Ms. Raitt. This song sucks.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Manic Monday

I expect a little bit more from Susanna. The rhymes are appropriate but they seem a little redundant. Kind of like how Fergie rhymes "this" with "this." Does Sunday, Monday, run day, and fun day really work? It's almost like while writing the song she got the chorus and decided she'd rather spend the rest of her Sunday at the mall.

Sunday, May 15, 2011


Long before Harvey Danger there was EMF. I wanted to say something witty about how bad this song is but all I can think about is crumbled cheese toppings.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Lick It Up

Asinine song of the day is more like it. This is what happens when you come up with a somewhat catchy hook and call it a day. It's only right now.

This was supposed to be posted on 5/12. I'm not sure where it went.

Flagpole Sitta

One hit wonder doesn't apply. The only wonderment here is that this song was considered chart worthy in the first place. Never before have I heard three chords used this poorly.

Friday, May 13, 2011

One Step Closer

I'm so full of angst I'm going to put this on repeat and draw pictures of large knives on my biology book cover. Life is tough because all my parents want to do is take me to Disney World. I don't want to wear clothes from Target because they don't go with my leather wrist strap. My iPhone needs a new charger. I'm about to break.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

All This Time

If anybody was wondering how we get captured terrorists to tell us stuff it isn't by waterboarding. Listen to the chorus and tell me you wouldn't give up your own mother to not listen to it.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Can't Nobody Hold Me Down

I always thought Mase was Ping Pong Diddy Kong's unemployable little brother. Two songs were borrowed for this number. One of them sucked. Solution: make it suck more. Nothing says "Street" like driving your Rolls Royce in the desert. I'm having a grammar headache.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Fell In Love With A Girl

I hate to do this but I don't think you should be able to get away with a "la la la" verse when your song is less than two minutes long.

Sunday, May 8, 2011


Mother's Day edition! Glenn Danzig isn't cool. He's done cool things with cool people but he remains the biggest dork metal has produced. Yes, I'm considering Sebastian Bach and he's not as a big a dork as Glenn.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I Just Can't Wait To Be King

Special Disney edition! I liked this song more when it was in The Little Mermaid and was called "Under the Sea." I don't want to talk about it anymore. Hakuna matata.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Air on the G string

Special flashback edition. When this baroque why didn't anybody fix it? Bach was easily the Katie Perry of his day as is evident by the title of this song. Give it a good listen. There is absolutely no balance to this redundant and uninspired piece.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Tom's Diner

I love this song. I just wish she could have written a chorus and gone with something other than the soundtrack being played at the local mall's Wet Seal. My brain tells me to hate everything wrong with this song. My mouth can't stop singing it.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

You're Beautiful

I hate this song. I hate this song. I hate this song. It's true.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

My Own Worst Enemy

Anybody who thinks that music recently entered the dark ages need only look back to 1999 to know that it's been a lot worse. Just imagine this song being covered on Glee by that ugly chick.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue

I told myself I was going to leave country music alone because it's just too easy but I had to post this one. Don't get me wrong, I love feel good songs but this just isn't uplifting like a Tyler Perry movie is. Terrorists suck and so does Toby Keith.

Sunday, May 1, 2011


It took four people to write this song. Brian Wilson wasn't one of them.