Do The Bartman

This song pinpoints the exact moment where The Simpsons jumped the shark. I'm not sure what's worse. The predictable rhymes or the fact that we know every single one. Go ahead. Listen for 15 seconds and tell me you can't sing a few lines.

Opposites Attract

This probably started life as a PSA but the only thing I really learned that if you're a gigantic pussy that smokes, Paula Abdul will date you. I'm almost certain that the writer had no idea that they made a very clever physics joke during the rap part.

Anybody who thinks the accordion is the most abrasive instrument ever created hasn't heard John Popper play the mouth organ.

The Search Is Over

I'm impressed that the band responsible for "Eye Of The Tiger" is capable of writing this song. I'm pretty sure it was intended to be the closing music for the film "Mannequin" but at the last second somebody decided that Starship would be far worse. I think they were right the first time.

Seventeen

Winger has been described as Crappy Van Halen. I don't expect much from a guy named Kip so it's no surprise that this is what we get.

Point Of No Return

I take back almost everything I said about Wilson Phillips. Exposé features two chicks and a brave man trying to inject a little sexiness into the pop scene. Instead they gave it a shot of morphine. Snooze.

Hold On

I'm pretty sure this was originally written for a commercial featuring some kind of "female" product. This has nothing to do with the fat chick either. Their complete and utter lack of soul had gone unchallenged until Rebecca Black recorded "Friday." The name "Wilson Phillips" makes me think blues singer. This song certainly gives me the blues.

Lady Marmalade

This is the musical equivalent of a house party where everybody is shouting over each other in an effort to be heard. I love how the song degrades from an obnoxious cover of an already crappy song to three broads trying to cram as many runs as possible into a verse in an effort to see who can annoy me the most.

Butterfly

This song completely ruined 2001 for me. There were plenty of "douche-rap" out there but this song made me notice it. This genre of music would go on to propel the tools of the world to astronomical heights. Tribal tattoos would adorn every roided out bicep. Their women would turn orange and get larger hoots. Train would release "Drops of Jupiter."

Muscle Grip

I've been wanting to do a Shabba song for some time now but I have yet to find one with lyrics I can understand and make fun of. This is no exception. It's like Snow's "Informer" but slowed way down.

Don't Drink The Water

Don't drink the water. Their tour bus just emptied its toilet in the water. Maybe if I drank more or got high I might like this song. Maybe if it wasn't so crappy.

Iesha

What day did God create this and why couldn't he have rested THAT day. I'm not really sure how many of those creations there are but so far I've counted thirty four. I'd rather not watch this again to make another count. PACE.

Say Say Say

Further proof that adding Michael Jackson to a song doesn't make it good. On the flip side, further proof that adding Paul McCartney to a song doesn't make it good. Trifecta complete.

All Star

I'm pretty sure Smash Mouth sprung from the same anus as Sugar Ray. I don't think I need to say anything else.

Something To Talk About

I like to think that the day she wrote this was the day she sold out. She's plays a mean slide guitar. She's better than this. I'm still convinced she's related to Reba McEntire. This is the first time I've read Reba's last name. Next time I'm visiting the golden arches I'm going to order it and see if they give me one of everything. I haven't forgotten about you Ms. Raitt. This song sucks.

Manic Monday

I expect a little bit more from Susanna. The rhymes are appropriate but they seem a little redundant. Kind of like how Fergie rhymes "this" with "this." Does Sunday, Monday, run day, and fun day really work? It's almost like while writing the song she got the chorus and decided she'd rather spend the rest of her Sunday at the mall.

Unbelievable

Long before Harvey Danger there was EMF. I wanted to say something witty about how bad this song is but all I can think about is crumbled cheese toppings.

Lick It Up

Asinine song of the day is more like it. This is what happens when you come up with a somewhat catchy hook and call it a day. It's only right now.



This was supposed to be posted on 5/12. I'm not sure where it went.

Flagpole Sitta

One hit wonder doesn't apply. The only wonderment here is that this song was considered chart worthy in the first place. Never before have I heard three chords used this poorly.

One Step Closer

I'm so full of angst I'm going to put this on repeat and draw pictures of large knives on my biology book cover. Life is tough because all my parents want to do is take me to Disney World. I don't want to wear clothes from Target because they don't go with my leather wrist strap. My iPhone needs a new charger. I'm about to break.

All This Time

If anybody was wondering how we get captured terrorists to tell us stuff it isn't by waterboarding. Listen to the chorus and tell me you wouldn't give up your own mother to not listen to it.

Can't Nobody Hold Me Down

I always thought Mase was Ping Pong Diddy Kong's unemployable little brother. Two songs were borrowed for this number. One of them sucked. Solution: make it suck more. Nothing says "Street" like driving your Rolls Royce in the desert. I'm having a grammar headache.

Fell In Love With A Girl

I hate to do this but I don't think you should be able to get away with a "la la la" verse when your song is less than two minutes long.

Mother

Mother's Day edition! Glenn Danzig isn't cool. He's done cool things with cool people but he remains the biggest dork metal has produced. Yes, I'm considering Sebastian Bach and he's not as a big a dork as Glenn.

I Just Can't Wait To Be King

Special Disney edition! I liked this song more when it was in The Little Mermaid and was called "Under the Sea." I don't want to talk about it anymore. Hakuna matata.

Air on the G string

Special flashback edition. When this baroque why didn't anybody fix it? Bach was easily the Katie Perry of his day as is evident by the title of this song. Give it a good listen. There is absolutely no balance to this redundant and uninspired piece.

Tom's Diner

I love this song. I just wish she could have written a chorus and gone with something other than the soundtrack being played at the local mall's Wet Seal. My brain tells me to hate everything wrong with this song. My mouth can't stop singing it.

You're Beautiful

I hate this song. I hate this song. I hate this song. It's true.

My Own Worst Enemy

Anybody who thinks that music recently entered the dark ages need only look back to 1999 to know that it's been a lot worse. Just imagine this song being covered on Glee by that ugly chick.

Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue

I told myself I was going to leave country music alone because it's just too easy but I had to post this one. Don't get me wrong, I love feel good songs but this just isn't uplifting like a Tyler Perry movie is. Terrorists suck and so does Toby Keith.

Kokomo

It took four people to write this song. Brian Wilson wasn't one of them.