Somebody's Watching Me

He's so scared that he suddenly became British. Who'd have thought that Barry Gordy and Michael Jackson wouldn't be awesome enough to save Rockwell from himself.

The Monster Mash

In honor of Halloween I figured I'd post a few "spooky" songs. These are scary to me at least. You'd think that celebrating mediocre music was a modern phenomenon but that's clearly not the case.

Take A Picture

What the hell is an "airpleen?"

We Built This City

They built the city then sold it for cocaine money.

Come Sail Away

If Rush sucked they'd be Styx.

She Don't Use Jelly

There's a saying about acorns growing into mighty oak treas. What happens when you plant a Grape-Nut?

Chop Suey

This is a dumb song.

Break Stuff

Do you think Fred knew what a tool he was when he wrote this? Do you think tools know what tools they are when they listen to this?

Sunshine Day

Who would have thought that melanoma could be so wholesome?

The Loco-Motion

I still can't believe we have Carole King to thank for this. List songs are bad but instructive songs are even worse. This song is basically "The Hokey Pokey." Kylie's version reinforces my belief that the 80's sucked as a decade.

All She Wants To Do Is Dance

Any time I can't think of a song I don't need to look any farther than Don Henley. The 80's weren't great and this song is proof.

Twilight Zone

The saddest thing about this song is that they probably thought they were so bitchin' after recording it without recognizing that they named themselves "Golden Earring."

How To Be A Millionaire

He's seen the future. He can't afford it. Gee... I wonder why.

Who Let The Dogs Out?

In many ways I'm glad that there is music for simple people. Can there be a world without crappy music?

Friends Theme

The lyrics are asinine. Even if you were stuck in second gear you could still get around town fairly well. Sometimes you just need to accept that the line you want to put in your song just won't fit and write something with a better rhyme.

Calendar Girl

I love Neil Sedaka but I hate "list" songs.

Dude (Looks Like A Lady)

CSOTD - Chances are you're thinking of Mrs. Doubtfire which is exactly what's wrong with this song. They say it's a song about Vince Neil but I'm pretty sure it was either a glimpse of the future or a tale of too much alcohol and a case of mistaken identity.

Sounds like Robbie bought the same instant song as a lot of other artists. Just add singer.

Family Affair

Cocaine's a hell of a drug.

Too Shy

It's tough to put finger on what's wrong with this song but I think it has something to do with Limahl.

Venus

This song is as lame as they are ugly.

Hungry Eyes

This makes two crappy songs from Dirty Dancing that aren't "She's Like The Wind." Wow.

After The Rain

Here's the weakest song ever written. Enjoy your Sunday.

Touch Me

The original title of this song was "I'm Too Drunk To Finish Writing This Song So I'll Just Repeat The Two Parts We Got." That's quite the shiner on Robby Krieger. Arguably Jim's best work.

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

As great as Careless Whisper is it's not enough to make up for this song. Jitterbug into my brain???

Wild Wild West

Thanks Hollywood. Thanks a lot.

Boys of Summer

One can only imagine how great music would be without Don Henley contributing.

Lean On Me

This song says, "I can't play the piano and so can you."

Semi Charmed Life

Third Eye Blind deserves back to back posts for this song and their other crimes against humanity.

Jumper

Here's a little Third Eye Blind for you or as I like to call them, "Shitty Oasis."

Bread And Butter

There was time when music was about having a good time and little care was given to actually writing decent music. That time is now. Back in the day they preferred that we didn't have a good time. Yes, that's a dude.